If only I could take this simple advice.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
For fear of losing something I love.... I am highlighting Roscoe this week.
The reasons I love him are endless.
He has never let me down, made me cry, or broken my heart.
You're supposed to fight for things like that; to keep them in your life; to keep them happy and healthy; to give them all you can.
I can't help but feel I'm letting him down. I'm on my knees and begging, but I'm losing.
He is everything I understand in this world and everything that understands me.
You could never understand, simply because you're not willing to.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Why I love life: HSTB
I missed it yesterday, but no worries. I've got this covered. As promised, every week I will highlight a passion I have and share it with you. I am so excited for this opportunity, because passions are meant to be shared. That's how they grow.
And so I have decided, what better thing to highlight than what I spent my day doing....
The Humane Society of Tampa Bay
I have spent the last year devoting my time and heart to this organization. In return, I have received more than I could have asked for//more than I ever imagined.
The animals. I can't seem to put my love for and dedication to dogs (and animals in general) into words. All I can say is I understand dogs better than I have ever understood a human. They are simple; all they want is to be loved and cared for. Isn't that what we all want? Give them those simple necessities and you will be overwhelmed with all they give you in return.
Animals don't judge. You give them a home, food and treats.... they will love you forever regardless of the mistakes you make. When I feel like I've lost something///when I lose hope///when I've made a mistake.... I look into the eyes of my dog, the eyes of the rescued animals I love so much and it all goes away. At that moment, sensing something's wrong, they provide me with something nobody ever has before. They rest their heads in my lap, ignore the world and all their needs, and they don't leave until they've brightened my spirits. A simple nudge of the head or kiss on the cheek and they've made my day.
Animals save lives everyday, in many ways. I am proud to say I am passionate about rescuing those animals people have forgotten to love. They deserve more than I could ever give them, but I will do my best to give them all I have. They've saved my life and I plan on returning the favor until the end of my time.
The people. When I first began as a volunteer, I was expecting very little contact with the employees of this wonderful place. As I discovered my love for HSTB, I branched out from the title of dog companion and started doing anything and everything I could. The people I have met during my time as a volunteer have changed my life. They aren't simply employees of HSTB..... they're family!
Each and every one of them has a beautiful soul and a heart that could move mountains. I am so thankful to know them and work with them. They've only helped my passion grow. Every day, they deal with the stress of animal rescue and the adoption processes yet they still smile. They don't forget to acknowledge at the end of a long day that it was all worth it. Worth it because they saved the lives of animals.... made a difference in someone's day.... maybe even saved the life of a person.
Thank you.You are all amazing.
*Nothing can describe the feeling of caring for and loving a neglected animal, and one day sending them to a home you know they deserve. I've talked about my love, Sky, on here before. This dog changed my life. She was one of the most difficult and confusing dogs I've ever worked with. After 4 months of consistent effort (and a few breakdowns here and there, but never submission to what I thought was defeat) she went home. I couldn't have been happier for her. Simply writing about this now is bringing back the tears of joy that ran down my face that day, without shame. I helped save a life. In return, she saved mine.*
I am passionate about rescuing animals who deserve more than some people were willing to give. I am passionate about making a difference. I am passionate about the Human Society of Tampa Bay. Forever in my heart!
With this, I encourage you to find your passion. Devote yourself to it. One day, you'll wake up and it will all make sense. Smile and give it your all. You'd be surprised how much you get back.... without even realizing it. :)
http://www.humanesocietytampa.org/
And so I have decided, what better thing to highlight than what I spent my day doing....
The Humane Society of Tampa Bay
I have spent the last year devoting my time and heart to this organization. In return, I have received more than I could have asked for//more than I ever imagined.
The animals. I can't seem to put my love for and dedication to dogs (and animals in general) into words. All I can say is I understand dogs better than I have ever understood a human. They are simple; all they want is to be loved and cared for. Isn't that what we all want? Give them those simple necessities and you will be overwhelmed with all they give you in return.
Animals don't judge. You give them a home, food and treats.... they will love you forever regardless of the mistakes you make. When I feel like I've lost something///when I lose hope///when I've made a mistake.... I look into the eyes of my dog, the eyes of the rescued animals I love so much and it all goes away. At that moment, sensing something's wrong, they provide me with something nobody ever has before. They rest their heads in my lap, ignore the world and all their needs, and they don't leave until they've brightened my spirits. A simple nudge of the head or kiss on the cheek and they've made my day.
Animals save lives everyday, in many ways. I am proud to say I am passionate about rescuing those animals people have forgotten to love. They deserve more than I could ever give them, but I will do my best to give them all I have. They've saved my life and I plan on returning the favor until the end of my time.
The people. When I first began as a volunteer, I was expecting very little contact with the employees of this wonderful place. As I discovered my love for HSTB, I branched out from the title of dog companion and started doing anything and everything I could. The people I have met during my time as a volunteer have changed my life. They aren't simply employees of HSTB..... they're family!
Each and every one of them has a beautiful soul and a heart that could move mountains. I am so thankful to know them and work with them. They've only helped my passion grow. Every day, they deal with the stress of animal rescue and the adoption processes yet they still smile. They don't forget to acknowledge at the end of a long day that it was all worth it. Worth it because they saved the lives of animals.... made a difference in someone's day.... maybe even saved the life of a person.
Thank you.You are all amazing.
*Nothing can describe the feeling of caring for and loving a neglected animal, and one day sending them to a home you know they deserve. I've talked about my love, Sky, on here before. This dog changed my life. She was one of the most difficult and confusing dogs I've ever worked with. After 4 months of consistent effort (and a few breakdowns here and there, but never submission to what I thought was defeat) she went home. I couldn't have been happier for her. Simply writing about this now is bringing back the tears of joy that ran down my face that day, without shame. I helped save a life. In return, she saved mine.*
I am passionate about rescuing animals who deserve more than some people were willing to give. I am passionate about making a difference. I am passionate about the Human Society of Tampa Bay. Forever in my heart!
With this, I encourage you to find your passion. Devote yourself to it. One day, you'll wake up and it will all make sense. Smile and give it your all. You'd be surprised how much you get back.... without even realizing it. :)
http://www.humanesocietytampa.org/
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I have a plan to spark my lost motivation for writing. Every Friday, I will highlight a different aspect of my life. Hopefully, this will be as entertaining as I hope it will be. So.....
I invite you to join in learning about Brittany's passions by reading her weekly "Why I love life" post.
Guaranteed* to entertain you for hours**!!!!
*By guarantee, I mean there is no guarantee.
** Probably more on the minutes scale.
GET EXCITED!!!!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Decisions & Reminders
At times, we find ourselves in need of creating ultimatums. We all know them and we all hate them. If you've had the pleasure of experiencing one of these stressors, regardless of the side of the fence you found yourself... you understand how emotionally challenging they can be.
When they're against you: Everything seems like the wrong decision and those decisions don't feel like your own. Every step is met with a moment of breath withheld.
When you're making them: The fear of actually following through lingers everywhere and escape is impossible. Sleep is lost and the dreams you had turn upside down with confusion.
Don't write them off just yet, however. These depressing and dreaded moments in life act as reminders of how strong our emotions really are. I recently made a decision with myself somewhat like an ultimatum//one the other party was unaware of. Each and every moment seemed to last forever. I begged myself to change my decision and questioned my strength when the moment was within reach. My "ultimatum" required cutting off a relationship if a long planned introduction wasn't made. The thought of simply letting go of something I've given so much of myself to killed me. I was ready though..... ready to make a decision that would break not only my heart, but his.
On to the end of this miserable story. Everything worked out. I made sure of it. My lesson: This decision helped to remind myself that my feelings weren't fake. I have been questioning myself for a while. I wasn't sure if this was something I really wanted to devote my heart to. I found myself thinking on multiple occasions that this was something I enjoyed more when it was simply a daydream. By forcing myself to take action, I rekindled what I thought I had lost.
This isn't to say that it made anything easier, but it gave meaning to what seemed like nothing.
Every hard decision is one that needs to be made. It's hard for a reason, and it's well worth it in the end.
When they're against you: Everything seems like the wrong decision and those decisions don't feel like your own. Every step is met with a moment of breath withheld.
When you're making them: The fear of actually following through lingers everywhere and escape is impossible. Sleep is lost and the dreams you had turn upside down with confusion.
Don't write them off just yet, however. These depressing and dreaded moments in life act as reminders of how strong our emotions really are. I recently made a decision with myself somewhat like an ultimatum//one the other party was unaware of. Each and every moment seemed to last forever. I begged myself to change my decision and questioned my strength when the moment was within reach. My "ultimatum" required cutting off a relationship if a long planned introduction wasn't made. The thought of simply letting go of something I've given so much of myself to killed me. I was ready though..... ready to make a decision that would break not only my heart, but his.
On to the end of this miserable story. Everything worked out. I made sure of it. My lesson: This decision helped to remind myself that my feelings weren't fake. I have been questioning myself for a while. I wasn't sure if this was something I really wanted to devote my heart to. I found myself thinking on multiple occasions that this was something I enjoyed more when it was simply a daydream. By forcing myself to take action, I rekindled what I thought I had lost.
This isn't to say that it made anything easier, but it gave meaning to what seemed like nothing.
Every hard decision is one that needs to be made. It's hard for a reason, and it's well worth it in the end.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Not to simply know
We aren't simply supposed to know, we're supposed to live. Live and learn. I find stress in not knowing what tomorrow will bring; if my schedule will stay on track//who will decided to leave and who will forever stay.
What would everything be if we, however it were to happen, knew what the answers were to life's questions that bring us emotional strain?
I want an adventure. I wan to do something new and make mistakes. I want a new shovel, to dig new holes; holes I can climb out of in triumph.
Life is waiting for us to play along. Like a sick game, we must suffer before we find the light that brings us such joy. With this, I challenge the world. Give me problems and let me solve them. Tell me no... I'll SHOW you yes. Break my heart and watch me build.
What would everything be if we, however it were to happen, knew what the answers were to life's questions that bring us emotional strain?
I want an adventure. I wan to do something new and make mistakes. I want a new shovel, to dig new holes; holes I can climb out of in triumph.
Life is waiting for us to play along. Like a sick game, we must suffer before we find the light that brings us such joy. With this, I challenge the world. Give me problems and let me solve them. Tell me no... I'll SHOW you yes. Break my heart and watch me build.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Losing myself
It's a sad moment when you realize you're unhappy. This moment, only to be joined by a loving friend expressing their concern about how living situations have changed who I am. I pride myself on my character; never ending joy and laughter to fill castles. It truly hurts to know I'm slowly losing that.... with every breath.
Just the other day I started writing a post I never published. This is a part of that unpublished, incomplete thought. "I've reached that point in the semester; that point where everything seems to crumble with the slightest breeze. My emotional status seems to be rapidly declining. The more time I spend trying to find a way to cope with that, the worse it gets."
It's not a good feeling.............
My relationship has been one of those areas of life also playing a huge role in my stress pile. We never defined what things were, we just grabbed what we could and ran from the burning building that was time. Looking back now....against my normal philosophy... I would change everything.
I want to talk about him the way I used to. Why has that changed? I find myself wishing for the distance we had this summer. It was easier, knowing that our distance was because of the miles between us. Now.... I can't tell you what the distance is or what's causing it, but there's a gap I can't seem to fill no matter how hard I try. I just seem to be digging deeper.
My only solution is to stop expecting. I care for him, a lot. I would rather have him in my life in a seemingly meaningless way than not at all. I will never expect to hear from him, or see him, or whatever else I could expect regardless of what he tells me. If I never get my hopes up I can never be let down, right?
Don't tell me the truth. Don't tell me how stupid this idea is. Please. I already know. I have to salvage what little sanity I have left in the only way I can manage.
I don't want to lose who I am. I don't want to lose what I've spent years building. I'm grasping at the fragile roots protruding into the hole I've dug. One day, I'll find my way out.
Just the other day I started writing a post I never published. This is a part of that unpublished, incomplete thought. "I've reached that point in the semester; that point where everything seems to crumble with the slightest breeze. My emotional status seems to be rapidly declining. The more time I spend trying to find a way to cope with that, the worse it gets."
It's not a good feeling.............
My relationship has been one of those areas of life also playing a huge role in my stress pile. We never defined what things were, we just grabbed what we could and ran from the burning building that was time. Looking back now....against my normal philosophy... I would change everything.
I want to talk about him the way I used to. Why has that changed? I find myself wishing for the distance we had this summer. It was easier, knowing that our distance was because of the miles between us. Now.... I can't tell you what the distance is or what's causing it, but there's a gap I can't seem to fill no matter how hard I try. I just seem to be digging deeper.
My only solution is to stop expecting. I care for him, a lot. I would rather have him in my life in a seemingly meaningless way than not at all. I will never expect to hear from him, or see him, or whatever else I could expect regardless of what he tells me. If I never get my hopes up I can never be let down, right?
Don't tell me the truth. Don't tell me how stupid this idea is. Please. I already know. I have to salvage what little sanity I have left in the only way I can manage.
I don't want to lose who I am. I don't want to lose what I've spent years building. I'm grasping at the fragile roots protruding into the hole I've dug. One day, I'll find my way out.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Finding my way back
I feel sick. My body aches and my wisdom teeth aren't playing nice. My nose is stuffy and I can't seem to focus or recall basic information. I tried to nap but instead found myself laying in bed for three hours with no success. Even last night, when I tried to sleep I was unsuccessful. I was successful in memorizing the texture of the wall next to my bed, however.
Of course, when I lay awake in bed with not an ounce of sleep.... I find other ways to be productive. One such way is to organize my thoughts and file the ones I need to clear out onto this lovely web page. And so it begins.
I used to find this process so helpful. My heart was always lighter and my mind free after every post I made. There was no reason for me to turn my back. Lately though, I find my brain empty when I sit for my nightly writing session.
Each and every night I go through the habit of clicking that bookmarked link at the top of my browser that brings me here. I type a few words, but I never get further than those few. Usually it's sparked by an inspirational quote, or picture, or song lyrics that tugs at my heart enough to provide the smallest amount of motivation; a motivation that vanishes more and more with each beat of my heart.
This evening my motivation stems from.... well.... my lack of motivation. I have spent the past three years building who I am today and part of that is discovering and utilizing successful coping methods. I've discovered passions that I can participate in as often as I would like and it still be reasonable. This blog is one of those passions.
I used to store my writings in a file on my computer, hidden from the eyes of those I couldn't trust enough to let in. By that, I mean hidden from everyone. I couldn't even bring myself to read them. I realized I couldn't trust myself with my own thoughts. With that came the realization that I had a problem I needed to deal with before it got any worse. It took my two years to start dealing with that problem. I greatly regret waiting. The problems didn't go away. They hid from my view and built an arsenal of weapons for their future, repeated attacks.
I've finally come to a point where I can trust myself, and now all of you with the words I type. One bridge crossed. I hold my lack of attention to this page in between my fingers, burning as a constant reminder that I've somehow managed to ignore. As long as I blow out the match I currently hold in my hand, this bridge should be alright.
I have a few other passions I would like to keep up with. My book collection has increased. I find myself with a never growing collection of books on canine behavior and breed descriptions. My summer goal was to learn 150 breeds and I failed. I learned about 30. Yet another passion I have ignored.
Riding has been put on hold, but I expect to be on the back of one of my majestic, four legged, beautiful loves again soon. Luckily, music hasn't gone far. Yoga has been pushed aside, along with most of my other forms of entertainment, to make room for my academics and (a lack of) sleep.
This month is my time to work on finding my way back to the path I was so happy on. I have everything I need and I am determined to make time for what I love.
The past year has been a bit rough on my heart. I've picked up the pieces, as I always do, and held them tight. I may have finally found someone to help me piece things back together. He just needs to believe that I'm not settling//that I truly care//that he deserves me. I'll be happily waiting here when he does.
That writing experience definitely filled a gap. Thank you for reading this!!!! I know it can seem pointless and annoying at times. You truly are reading my brain vomit. I hope you enjoy it. :p
"I don't wanna miss you. I don't wanna get used to being by myself. I don't wanna give my heart to no one else."
Of course, when I lay awake in bed with not an ounce of sleep.... I find other ways to be productive. One such way is to organize my thoughts and file the ones I need to clear out onto this lovely web page. And so it begins.
I used to find this process so helpful. My heart was always lighter and my mind free after every post I made. There was no reason for me to turn my back. Lately though, I find my brain empty when I sit for my nightly writing session.
Each and every night I go through the habit of clicking that bookmarked link at the top of my browser that brings me here. I type a few words, but I never get further than those few. Usually it's sparked by an inspirational quote, or picture, or song lyrics that tugs at my heart enough to provide the smallest amount of motivation; a motivation that vanishes more and more with each beat of my heart.
This evening my motivation stems from.... well.... my lack of motivation. I have spent the past three years building who I am today and part of that is discovering and utilizing successful coping methods. I've discovered passions that I can participate in as often as I would like and it still be reasonable. This blog is one of those passions.
I used to store my writings in a file on my computer, hidden from the eyes of those I couldn't trust enough to let in. By that, I mean hidden from everyone. I couldn't even bring myself to read them. I realized I couldn't trust myself with my own thoughts. With that came the realization that I had a problem I needed to deal with before it got any worse. It took my two years to start dealing with that problem. I greatly regret waiting. The problems didn't go away. They hid from my view and built an arsenal of weapons for their future, repeated attacks.
I've finally come to a point where I can trust myself, and now all of you with the words I type. One bridge crossed. I hold my lack of attention to this page in between my fingers, burning as a constant reminder that I've somehow managed to ignore. As long as I blow out the match I currently hold in my hand, this bridge should be alright.
I have a few other passions I would like to keep up with. My book collection has increased. I find myself with a never growing collection of books on canine behavior and breed descriptions. My summer goal was to learn 150 breeds and I failed. I learned about 30. Yet another passion I have ignored.
Riding has been put on hold, but I expect to be on the back of one of my majestic, four legged, beautiful loves again soon. Luckily, music hasn't gone far. Yoga has been pushed aside, along with most of my other forms of entertainment, to make room for my academics and (a lack of) sleep.
This month is my time to work on finding my way back to the path I was so happy on. I have everything I need and I am determined to make time for what I love.
The past year has been a bit rough on my heart. I've picked up the pieces, as I always do, and held them tight. I may have finally found someone to help me piece things back together. He just needs to believe that I'm not settling//that I truly care//that he deserves me. I'll be happily waiting here when he does.
"I don't wanna miss you. I don't wanna get used to being by myself. I don't wanna give my heart to no one else."
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Beautiful Reminders
This is one of those days//weeks//months....... one of those times when I find myself in need of BEAUTIFUL REMINDERS. I am lucky enough to be able to see the beauty in my life when everything appears gray. The wall I currently face is covered in pictures of things in my life that never fail to make me smile (it's missing a few). I want to share some of those things with you and hopefully be your inspiration to find the BEAUTIFUL REMINDERS in your own lives.
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| Some of the faces that never fail to make me smile. :) |
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| Whoa! Double whammy. My dog and Christmas time. |
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| Hehe. My dog again. The most important man in my life. |
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| Not just this horse.... ALL OF THEM!!!!!! |
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| Beav. Of course. We're best friends. |
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| Reminder of a beautiful summer in a beautiful place. |
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| She's only my best friend. |
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Fall
I've missed you, Fall. You bring me so much joy. We seem to have a problem this year. You're not here and I can't come to see you. You never used to let me down, and then Florida had to come around and ruin it all.
I want to see the leaves change color instead of drop off the trees dead and disturbingly brown. I want to smell that unique smell that comes with all of those fall changes, letting me feel warmth in a time so cold.
By the time I return to your natural home range, Winter will have booted you out and everything will be gray. The cold air will no longer tingle as I run with the dog, but burn with each and every breath in.
Don't get me wrong. I love your sister (Winter), but she's so temperamental. Some days she brings us snowflakes while others she brings us eery chills, ice and slush. I much prefer the beautiful colors and warm smells in the cold air.
Come back to me.
I want to see the leaves change color instead of drop off the trees dead and disturbingly brown. I want to smell that unique smell that comes with all of those fall changes, letting me feel warmth in a time so cold.
By the time I return to your natural home range, Winter will have booted you out and everything will be gray. The cold air will no longer tingle as I run with the dog, but burn with each and every breath in.
Don't get me wrong. I love your sister (Winter), but she's so temperamental. Some days she brings us snowflakes while others she brings us eery chills, ice and slush. I much prefer the beautiful colors and warm smells in the cold air.
Come back to me.
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| While I wait for you, I will simply reminisce and use my imagination to create a world similar to that which I used to live yet now only dream. |
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Remember that time...
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| Remember that time I fell in love with that handsome fella on the left? :) Miss my baby bear!!!! |
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
You say....
remember all those things you said? Were they true?
In the words of T Swift, my heart forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea. The universe finds a way though. You have replaced my heart's logic by taking it upon yourself to remind me of the emotional pain that comes with the unstable situation we find ourselves in.
I'm trying my best to understand, I really am. I can only comprehend so much of your end because you never tell me anything about it. Now, I'm the pot and you're the kettle because I'm doing the same thing. Can you understand how I feel if I don't explain it clearly? Of course not.
If there were a way to explain without being judged, I would.
If there a way to take back the emotions I expressed, I would.
I'm not good at sharing how I feel because I'm scared of letting people in. Letting them in means they have gained the potential to do a great amount of harm to my currently unstable emotional standing. However, I let you in. I told you how I feel.
I'm waiting. Currently, there's nothing.
At least let me know you're still alive.
In the words of T Swift, my heart forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea. The universe finds a way though. You have replaced my heart's logic by taking it upon yourself to remind me of the emotional pain that comes with the unstable situation we find ourselves in.
I'm trying my best to understand, I really am. I can only comprehend so much of your end because you never tell me anything about it. Now, I'm the pot and you're the kettle because I'm doing the same thing. Can you understand how I feel if I don't explain it clearly? Of course not.
If there were a way to explain without being judged, I would.
If there a way to take back the emotions I expressed, I would.
I'm not good at sharing how I feel because I'm scared of letting people in. Letting them in means they have gained the potential to do a great amount of harm to my currently unstable emotional standing. However, I let you in. I told you how I feel.
I'm waiting. Currently, there's nothing.
At least let me know you're still alive.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
If you ever want to learn patience, talk to a cat
For my behavioral class, our assignment was to view part of the Life series titled "Hunters and Hunted." I went all girly nerd on that video. I let out the stereotypical "aww" whenever a baby animal appeared on the screen. On top of that, I added my nerd commentary to the whole thing..... while watching it by myself (so sadly, no one got to hear my commentary).
I have always been fascinated by canines, but I officially have a new "favorite" species. By that I mean I just really like them, because I don't pick favorites. :) Ethiopian wolves. Who knew those even existed? I know now. 1)They're adorable. 2) They live in a desolate environment. 3) They have one dominate, mating female rather than one dominate male. 4) They are overall fascinating. :)
Many of the scenarios used involve cats, because... well, let's face it. As much as I don't really enjoy felines, they are incredible hunters. Show me another animal that has the incredible patience cats demonstrate when their prey is twenty feet in front of them. So if you ever want to learn patience, talk to a cat.
Be a nerd with me. Watch the video!!!!
http://www.documentaryfilmstube.com/watch/life-hunters-and-hunted-2009
I have always been fascinated by canines, but I officially have a new "favorite" species. By that I mean I just really like them, because I don't pick favorites. :) Ethiopian wolves. Who knew those even existed? I know now. 1)They're adorable. 2) They live in a desolate environment. 3) They have one dominate, mating female rather than one dominate male. 4) They are overall fascinating. :)
Many of the scenarios used involve cats, because... well, let's face it. As much as I don't really enjoy felines, they are incredible hunters. Show me another animal that has the incredible patience cats demonstrate when their prey is twenty feet in front of them. So if you ever want to learn patience, talk to a cat.
Be a nerd with me. Watch the video!!!!
http://www.documentaryfilmstube.com/watch/life-hunters-and-hunted-2009
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Who's gonna come around when you break?
Life has a not so subtle way of reminding us of the important things we so easily forget, even if moving past them can be beneficial.
I sit and I wait. I'm different//I'm not the same girl who used to stand strong when people did me wrong. My walls have a purpose. I've learned who to let through and who not, or so I thought. I've recently (very recently) been reminded why those walls exist..... why I'm so slow to trust people.
I need to know whether or not I should invest my time, my energy, my heart into whatever this is. I'm fighting with myself. I'm torn between learning from past mistakes and having faith in you.
I thought you were what I needed. I thought you were going to be the missing piece.... at least for a while. Now, I'm not so sure.
I'm tired of losing my smile. You're breaking my heart before you even had the chance to mend it. Please stop making me hate you.
I'm giving advice I can't follow. We're told that we learn from mistakes//by doing//by failing. Our mistakes? Our doing? Our failure? I don't ever seem to learn from my own past and the small, silly mistakes I make.... or seemingly small mistakes. Others have the opportunity to learn from them however, which brings us back to the advice. The advice I give is based solely on my own experiences and when I don't have the experience, I have nothing but a shoulder to offer.
I'm starting to believe we fail so others can learn. For them to learn, we have to continue failing. Once they learn.... maybe we start to follow suit.
"Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams? Who's gonna plug your ears when you scream?.....Who's gonna hold you down when you shake? Who's gonna come around when you break?....You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong."
I sit and I wait. I'm different//I'm not the same girl who used to stand strong when people did me wrong. My walls have a purpose. I've learned who to let through and who not, or so I thought. I've recently (very recently) been reminded why those walls exist..... why I'm so slow to trust people.
I need to know whether or not I should invest my time, my energy, my heart into whatever this is. I'm fighting with myself. I'm torn between learning from past mistakes and having faith in you.
I thought you were what I needed. I thought you were going to be the missing piece.... at least for a while. Now, I'm not so sure.
I'm tired of losing my smile. You're breaking my heart before you even had the chance to mend it. Please stop making me hate you.
I'm giving advice I can't follow. We're told that we learn from mistakes//by doing//by failing. Our mistakes? Our doing? Our failure? I don't ever seem to learn from my own past and the small, silly mistakes I make.... or seemingly small mistakes. Others have the opportunity to learn from them however, which brings us back to the advice. The advice I give is based solely on my own experiences and when I don't have the experience, I have nothing but a shoulder to offer.
I'm starting to believe we fail so others can learn. For them to learn, we have to continue failing. Once they learn.... maybe we start to follow suit.
"Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams? Who's gonna plug your ears when you scream?.....Who's gonna hold you down when you shake? Who's gonna come around when you break?....You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong."
Thursday, September 29, 2011
It's up to you.
I've said this to myself//to friends//to people I've never met. I find myself saying this more in recent times than I ever have. It has never been more true//relevant//meaningful.
Because with each passing moment, everything will get clearer//if only you trusted yourself with the honesty you fight into the shadows of your mind.
As I sit here with listening ears, interjecting advice when I see fit... I'm fighting a similar battle. You can't love, or be loved, without being honest with ALL of those feelings we work so hard to ignore.
Face those thoughts. Write them out. Move past the obstacle you continue to stop at, regardless of how many times you get a running start.
It all works out. It all gets better. Wear a smile and love with all your heart. Your world doesn't have to be dark. Be your own light.
Updates:
There is a snuffleupagus hanging on my door accompanied by three pictures of goats in trees as well as a Nova Scotia license plate.
I turned my desk so I can stare at pictures of people I love//a picture of beav!!//and so I could set my books upright (because they looked so sad in the manner I had tossed them in the corner)
Because with each passing moment, everything will get clearer//if only you trusted yourself with the honesty you fight into the shadows of your mind.
As I sit here with listening ears, interjecting advice when I see fit... I'm fighting a similar battle. You can't love, or be loved, without being honest with ALL of those feelings we work so hard to ignore.
Face those thoughts. Write them out. Move past the obstacle you continue to stop at, regardless of how many times you get a running start.
It all works out. It all gets better. Wear a smile and love with all your heart. Your world doesn't have to be dark. Be your own light.
Updates:
There is a snuffleupagus hanging on my door accompanied by three pictures of goats in trees as well as a Nova Scotia license plate.
I turned my desk so I can stare at pictures of people I love//a picture of beav!!//and so I could set my books upright (because they looked so sad in the manner I had tossed them in the corner)
Sunday, September 25, 2011
When the rain stops by
This rain is always the best. It comes down in sheets, blocking my view of the skyscrapers filling my window. Carefully, the rain slows. The buildings begin to peak through the white film that has become the air. A reminder that they're still there, simply hiding. Oddly enough, the lightning and thunder become more intense as the rain fades by miniscule amounts.
No matter the intensity, at this exact moment I find it comforting. The only thing keeping me indoors is the need to study//not backed up by a single ounce of motivation.
Those buildings I mentioned, they've gone back into hiding. The storm isn't yet ready to leave. It lets us know this. The wind picks up and the sheet fills with ripples. The rain changes directions and splashes on my window, only for a moment before returning to the pattern it started with. Each time it finds its way to the window, it does so with a bit more strength//as if begging for my attention//as if it is telling me it understands.
Every Sunday, my phone sings its tune at the same time. Today.... silence. I don't know whether to feel nothing or anything at all. It's a mess and I don't know how to clean it. I can only hope the week brings something new//something better.
No matter the intensity, at this exact moment I find it comforting. The only thing keeping me indoors is the need to study//not backed up by a single ounce of motivation.
Those buildings I mentioned, they've gone back into hiding. The storm isn't yet ready to leave. It lets us know this. The wind picks up and the sheet fills with ripples. The rain changes directions and splashes on my window, only for a moment before returning to the pattern it started with. Each time it finds its way to the window, it does so with a bit more strength//as if begging for my attention//as if it is telling me it understands.
Every Sunday, my phone sings its tune at the same time. Today.... silence. I don't know whether to feel nothing or anything at all. It's a mess and I don't know how to clean it. I can only hope the week brings something new//something better.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
You said you love me
Tomorrow used to exist. I never had a problem imagining what tomorrow would bring with you. Now I'm not so sure.
It hurts//waiting for you. I can't call you simply to hear your voice//show up at your door because I needed to feel your chest as you breathe. This isn't what I wanted for myself...for you....for us.
You tell me you're trying and I believe you. I don't believe myself. Those daydreams of tomorrow are becoming few and far apart. I want them back. I want to trust that I'll still want you when I wake up in the morning and that comes with trusting that you'll still be there.
I'm trying to study, but I can't think of anything but you. I can't stop thinking about how it felt on the other side; not much better than it feels now.
I want to know how I'll feel tomorrow. I don't want to wait until it's too late to fix it.
I love your calls. I hate them. The sound of your voice instantly calms me and brings a smile to my face without hesitation. The short duration of those calls breaks my heart. I love that you call just to tell me you were thinking about me and to hear my voice, but I wish there would be more. More time. More words.
"I need to buy a one way ticket to anywhere. Someplace far and I'll never look back."
It hurts//waiting for you. I can't call you simply to hear your voice//show up at your door because I needed to feel your chest as you breathe. This isn't what I wanted for myself...for you....for us.
You tell me you're trying and I believe you. I don't believe myself. Those daydreams of tomorrow are becoming few and far apart. I want them back. I want to trust that I'll still want you when I wake up in the morning and that comes with trusting that you'll still be there.
I'm trying to study, but I can't think of anything but you. I can't stop thinking about how it felt on the other side; not much better than it feels now.
I want to know how I'll feel tomorrow. I don't want to wait until it's too late to fix it.
I love your calls. I hate them. The sound of your voice instantly calms me and brings a smile to my face without hesitation. The short duration of those calls breaks my heart. I love that you call just to tell me you were thinking about me and to hear my voice, but I wish there would be more. More time. More words.
"I need to buy a one way ticket to anywhere. Someplace far and I'll never look back."
Monday, September 19, 2011
Let me fall for you
The library calms me. The hushed conversations provide a novel feeling for the day. The presence of people isn't overwhelming. I don't feel the need to be somewhere else in an attempt to avoid the annoying tendencies of those around me, mainly because those annoying people never seem to drift toward that "weird building filled with smelly books." I guess there's a reason we don't find them there....... not to imply anything. :)
I'm prepared. Yes, the semester started 3 weeks ago, but it isn't official until the exams start rolling in. Tomorrow, I am faced with my first biopsychology exam. Wednesday; general physiology. Next week; behavioral biology and microbiology. Give me a few less hours sleep and I'll be ready.
When I wake up to something like this I can't help but feel like everything is going to be alright.
Good Morning Beautiful,
How was your night? I hope you slept well. I thought of you and went to sleep with a smile on my face. I hope you have a good day today. I will be thinking of you.
Lots of kisses,
Matthew
How was your night? I hope you slept well. I thought of you and went to sleep with a smile on my face. I hope you have a good day today. I will be thinking of you.
Lots of kisses,
Matthew
I try to explain how he makes me feel, but I find myself lost in a mess of words I can't seem to straighten out. I stumble and trip over my own giggles interspersed in my jumbled speech.
He makes me happy. I haven't felt this happy//loved//optimistic in an unspecified amount of time that I can't seem to determine. He leaves me with an uncontrollable smile with the simplest of actions.
Matthew is the one thing in my life that I FEEL is concrete. I don't worry that he'll change his mind or that I'll wake up one morning to find him on the other side of the fence with judging eyes.
I don't hide anything I am with him. I tell him the truth//how I feel//what I want//what scares me. I've never felt this comfort.
We spend time together without the need to be doing something. Being in the same room is enough. We can sit on the bed and try and finish a crossword puzzle//watch his favorite team (even when I'm not a fan)//sing songs we don't know the words to//dance to our own music//laugh at nothing//smile for no reason. We can forget that we ever tried to be something for someone or tried to be happy. I stopped trying the moment I learned his name.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
I can't help thinking...
And I've waited all week for tomorrow. For one day, with one person, with no plans. I can't tell if the week is going faster or slower or moving at all.
When every second feels like a lifetime//when every phone call makes my heart skip//when every cute message leaves me speechless.
What happens when I fall too deep to climb out? I never know what to believe. Am I alone in here, or is there yet not enough light to see beside me?
If I had to judge my reward system now, I failed. I barely got any work done and my reward is supposed to be here in less than 24 hours. I still have a few hours tonight, and I have to wait for my laundry to finish. I could continue writing a blog that will bring me to new heights....... and by that I mean nowhere.... or I could be productive.
Productivity it is.
Wait, one more thing. I "googled" myself the other day per the advice of my senior seminar professor. This blog appears. My bog posts from work this summer appear. My high school honor roll was there too. Myspace comes up..... what is that? The lovely Facebook of course.
My point. Clearly I'm a cool kid.
"And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town"
When every second feels like a lifetime//when every phone call makes my heart skip//when every cute message leaves me speechless.
What happens when I fall too deep to climb out? I never know what to believe. Am I alone in here, or is there yet not enough light to see beside me?
Check out this baby seal!!!!!!
If I had to judge my reward system now, I failed. I barely got any work done and my reward is supposed to be here in less than 24 hours. I still have a few hours tonight, and I have to wait for my laundry to finish. I could continue writing a blog that will bring me to new heights....... and by that I mean nowhere.... or I could be productive.
Productivity it is.
Wait, one more thing. I "googled" myself the other day per the advice of my senior seminar professor. This blog appears. My bog posts from work this summer appear. My high school honor roll was there too. Myspace comes up..... what is that? The lovely Facebook of course.
My point. Clearly I'm a cool kid.
"And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town"
Monday, September 12, 2011
You're so hypnotizing
My heart can stop longing for what I created in my own imaginary world. He is now a part of my life. I spent a summer waiting for what I never believed would be.
I find myself at my desk//looking at the same view I previously expressed disgust for//smiling like a fool. This weekend couldn't have happened any better.
Forget about all the sad//depressing//pathetic words I previously slammed onto my keyboard. The near future looks like a beautiful day begging to be enjoyed.
I have to admit that the initial reunion was a bit awkward//neither of us knowing what the other expected. We took it step by step and let the words flow. For once in my life, I listened. I noticed that his words flowed more freely when I left an empty silence between them. I've never been good with silence but I'm slowly learning.
In his own words and my own thoughts, it seemed like we had known each other forever. After the few moments of confusion that greeted us, everything was easy. We were no longer trying to be, we just were. My mind didn't fill with the worries it normally would have. His callused hand fit gently into mine and everything was good.
All those little things. He wondered how long my hair had gotten and worried that I'd cut it off.
I wanna see you. And hug you. And make you smile. And make you laugh. And just lie on the couch next to you. And then just fall asleep beside you. It'd be nice.
"Run far away, so I can breathe. Even though you're far from suffocating me"
"My stomach screams just when I look at you"
I find myself at my desk//looking at the same view I previously expressed disgust for//smiling like a fool. This weekend couldn't have happened any better.
Forget about all the sad//depressing//pathetic words I previously slammed onto my keyboard. The near future looks like a beautiful day begging to be enjoyed.
I have to admit that the initial reunion was a bit awkward//neither of us knowing what the other expected. We took it step by step and let the words flow. For once in my life, I listened. I noticed that his words flowed more freely when I left an empty silence between them. I've never been good with silence but I'm slowly learning.
In his own words and my own thoughts, it seemed like we had known each other forever. After the few moments of confusion that greeted us, everything was easy. We were no longer trying to be, we just were. My mind didn't fill with the worries it normally would have. His callused hand fit gently into mine and everything was good.
All those little things. He wondered how long my hair had gotten and worried that I'd cut it off.
I wanna see you. And hug you. And make you smile. And make you laugh. And just lie on the couch next to you. And then just fall asleep beside you. It'd be nice.
"Run far away, so I can breathe. Even though you're far from suffocating me"
"My stomach screams just when I look at you"
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
You wake me in the middle of the night....
Fall is by far my favorite season of the year. The changes that happen are admired for their beauty but never for their purpose. The trees look beautiful with changing colors as the leaves prepare to depart, but why? The wildlife seem to be constantly scurrying with anxiety and worry, but why? Fall gives me a reason to occupy my mind with questions often ignored. I always appreciate the beauty more when I know why it's beautiful.
Every time I look at the storm clouds in the distance, I am only reminded of your distance from me. The only connection I have to bridge the space between us is the rising intensity as a storm approaches. I can do nothing but stand in it.
For a moment in time, I thought I would finally find myself safe//immersed in your embrace with no thought of what surrounded me. I let the simplistic answer convince my heart to smile. I bubbled with joy//with giggles//with love. I became anxious in anticipation.
This moment, only to be ruined with the reminder that things are never so simple. When tomorrow comes, it will still feel empty.
See you. Feel your face. Memorize the patterns in your eyes. Never be able to forget how you smell. Breath with you. Feel your fingers as they glide across my skin. Touch your hand with faith that it won't disappear. See you smile. Feel your embrace. Not let go.
You have me wrapped around your finger, and I almost pulled out the scissors.
Every time I look at the storm clouds in the distance, I am only reminded of your distance from me. The only connection I have to bridge the space between us is the rising intensity as a storm approaches. I can do nothing but stand in it.
For a moment in time, I thought I would finally find myself safe//immersed in your embrace with no thought of what surrounded me. I let the simplistic answer convince my heart to smile. I bubbled with joy//with giggles//with love. I became anxious in anticipation.
This moment, only to be ruined with the reminder that things are never so simple. When tomorrow comes, it will still feel empty.
You have me wrapped around your finger, and I almost pulled out the scissors.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Love
i want a love that feels like
im listening to bright eyes. that's with someone who is humble, and loving. that makes me feel like i'm laying on the beach with no one else around. i want someone i don't have to try around and that doesn't try to impress me but does anyways. I want someone who is smart enough to see the beauty in little things, but still gets the big picture. i want to lay in bed for days with them and watch movies and talk for hours about anything and everything. someone who wants to hangout with me a lot but is cool with time apart. someone who thinks i'm funny and can make me laugh. someone who doesn't take themselves seriously and can look deeper into other people than just whats on the outside. someone who is charming and grimy.i don't think my perfect guy exists.
and i don't think anyone else will do right now.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I'm just a child who longs on her knees
I unpacked almost all of my things. You would think I would realize how much useless stuff I had when I packed, but I didn't. Life could have been a bit easier.
This week is all about figuring out my footing. So far, I'm still wearing slick shoes on wet ice. Hopefully I figure this out before the end of the week.
I cried when one broke my heart for the first time. I cried when one cheated on me. I have never in my life cried for what I'm crying for now.
I'm crying because I can see him for the first time in 4 months. I'm crying because he makes me happy. I'm crying because I care about him and he doesn't treat me like crap.
For the first time ever, a man has made me cry because he's sweet and caring rather than a heartless fool.
As happy as I am, it was easier not being able to see him knowing there was over a thousand miles between us. Now, we're only minutes apart and our schedules are working against us.
This week is all about figuring out my footing. So far, I'm still wearing slick shoes on wet ice. Hopefully I figure this out before the end of the week.
I cried when one broke my heart for the first time. I cried when one cheated on me. I have never in my life cried for what I'm crying for now.
I'm crying because I can see him for the first time in 4 months. I'm crying because he makes me happy. I'm crying because I care about him and he doesn't treat me like crap.
For the first time ever, a man has made me cry because he's sweet and caring rather than a heartless fool.
As happy as I am, it was easier not being able to see him knowing there was over a thousand miles between us. Now, we're only minutes apart and our schedules are working against us.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
I thought it would be better....
Tampa has found a way to bring me back. I'm only 1/3 of the way moved in and I have no motivation. I had this same lack of motivation from the beginning. The view from my window is what any city fan would call spectacular. Previous to the prison I created, I would have found myself staring at this view with no concept of the time passing. In this moment, I'm looking out the window with no emotions being stirred. I do however see a bird (maybe a hawk) perched in a pole holding the net around the baseball field. That's the only part of the view I have any interest in. Sadly, the interest is minimal. I can't seem to get past the walls.
My bedroom is small.... very small. I have about two feet between my bed and furniture to move throughout. The living room is large and spacious. The kitchen seems to be designed by someone who doesn't know what a kitchen is. The cabinets are too far to reach without stretching or using a chair (even the lowest shelves). The counter space, or lack there of, consists of one third of a full counter with the rest being taken up by a sink. With our dish rack we are left with no counter space. The stove only has two functioning burners. The fridge is shorter than I am. There is an entire empty wall in the kitchen that could have been utilized for counter space, yet it remains empty. The table is sufficient for two people, but four live here. The bathroom is unnecessarily large. There is a sink in the bathroom, but another next to the front door.
I don't feel like myself here. I've been quiet. My living room is currently full with friends, but I am sitting in my room looking at a view I can't enjoy. Normally, my pictures are the first thing to be unpacked. My walls are close to bare at this moment. My desk isn't organized. I can't find my hangers. I'm finding that half of the things I'm unpacking are useless. Why didn't I figure this out before?
Classes start tomorrow. My first class is behavioral biology at 8am.
I think I need to just get out of this building. The air here is thick and I was unprepared for it. I can almost see the humidity.
My bedroom is small.... very small. I have about two feet between my bed and furniture to move throughout. The living room is large and spacious. The kitchen seems to be designed by someone who doesn't know what a kitchen is. The cabinets are too far to reach without stretching or using a chair (even the lowest shelves). The counter space, or lack there of, consists of one third of a full counter with the rest being taken up by a sink. With our dish rack we are left with no counter space. The stove only has two functioning burners. The fridge is shorter than I am. There is an entire empty wall in the kitchen that could have been utilized for counter space, yet it remains empty. The table is sufficient for two people, but four live here. The bathroom is unnecessarily large. There is a sink in the bathroom, but another next to the front door.
I don't feel like myself here. I've been quiet. My living room is currently full with friends, but I am sitting in my room looking at a view I can't enjoy. Normally, my pictures are the first thing to be unpacked. My walls are close to bare at this moment. My desk isn't organized. I can't find my hangers. I'm finding that half of the things I'm unpacking are useless. Why didn't I figure this out before?
Classes start tomorrow. My first class is behavioral biology at 8am.
I think I need to just get out of this building. The air here is thick and I was unprepared for it. I can almost see the humidity.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Non-metaphorical walls
My cousins provide me with endless entertainment. The baby now crosses her arms grumpily when she's annoyed with you while her bottom lip pouts. She dances and sings too. We watched a movie yesterday, and Braveheart was mentioned in it. The line was funny, so we all giggled. Leanne laughs so Roberta and I laugh even harder knowing she has no idea why it was funny. Then she stops and asks "Who's Braveheart?"... yet again making everything much funnier.
I'm no longer in love with the thrill of learning. The four walled classroom has ruined it for me. Learning used to be my source of happiness and freedom. I'm now in a self created prison of classrooms with no windows or nature; my voice and passions lost in the black hole that is the stack of textbooks on my desk. I'm slowing drifting away from happiness with each page turned.
I want to learn by doing. I want to be out in the world discovering new things under overturned rocks. I want to smell the breeze and have the time to decipher every smell from the next.
This summer, I learned by doing. My experiences required a few books, but they were books of my choice. When I learned why a touch-me-not was so named, I touched my fingers to the seed and felt the explosion of the small pod.
I could easily say goodbye to school and depart on new things. Sadly, I have a determination and pride too hard to break (even if for my own sanity). I'll finish school and find myself searching life for my next love.
---The following is just a bunch of random things that have caught my attention at various times these days ---
Lost down some old back road. Lost in a song on the radio. Lost in your deep blue eyes. I don't care if we spend all night lost.
To be honest with you, I don't have the words to make you feel better. I do have arms to give you a hug, ears to listen, and a heart; a heart that longs to see you smile again.
A lot of my goodbyes tend to be short and weak, because speaking brings out the tears I try so hard to hide.
I miss you. It feels like forever since I last saw you. I want to see you. I want you to hug me. I can't even put into words how much I actually miss you right now.
I wonder what you think of when you hear my name.
I love when you smile, but I love it more when I'm the reason.
I'm no longer in love with the thrill of learning. The four walled classroom has ruined it for me. Learning used to be my source of happiness and freedom. I'm now in a self created prison of classrooms with no windows or nature; my voice and passions lost in the black hole that is the stack of textbooks on my desk. I'm slowing drifting away from happiness with each page turned.
I want to learn by doing. I want to be out in the world discovering new things under overturned rocks. I want to smell the breeze and have the time to decipher every smell from the next.
This summer, I learned by doing. My experiences required a few books, but they were books of my choice. When I learned why a touch-me-not was so named, I touched my fingers to the seed and felt the explosion of the small pod.
I could easily say goodbye to school and depart on new things. Sadly, I have a determination and pride too hard to break (even if for my own sanity). I'll finish school and find myself searching life for my next love.
---The following is just a bunch of random things that have caught my attention at various times these days ---
Lost down some old back road. Lost in a song on the radio. Lost in your deep blue eyes. I don't care if we spend all night lost.
To be honest with you, I don't have the words to make you feel better. I do have arms to give you a hug, ears to listen, and a heart; a heart that longs to see you smile again.
A lot of my goodbyes tend to be short and weak, because speaking brings out the tears I try so hard to hide.
I miss you. It feels like forever since I last saw you. I want to see you. I want you to hug me. I can't even put into words how much I actually miss you right now.
I wonder what you think of when you hear my name.
I love when you smile, but I love it more when I'm the reason.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The trees aren't as green
Hello Charlotte.
My travels here were long and uneventful...so good, I suppose.
The trees here are different, or maybe it's just me. I was told upon my departure yesterday that I have grown and changed a great amount this summer. The idea of it being me that's changed can't be that far from truth then.
Back to the trees. They're not so much different from themselves, but different from what I've spent the last 3 months with. The trees here aren't as green//as alive. The nature I have encountered this summer have a magnetic field opposite that of my soul, pulling me closer and closer no matter the fight.
The chipmunks have been replaced by squirrels, or at least should have been. There seems to be a lack of squirrels in the area. Although I haven't spent much time searching for them. Instead, I've spent all of my 12 hours sleeping and thinking about what faded in the rear view.
Last night, the girls were sleeping on the floor. This morning, they were both somehow wrapped up in the bed with me. Zoey noticed me open my eyes slightly, and she tells me "I'm glad you came here." Even though it was 7am and I was tired, I'll take it. :)
I'm excited... not to be going back to school, but to be one step closer to being done. I don't like the weather (and being away for so long hasn't helped).
The puppy is going insane and it's movie time. My four day summer vacation is going to be awesome.
My travels here were long and uneventful...so good, I suppose.
The trees here are different, or maybe it's just me. I was told upon my departure yesterday that I have grown and changed a great amount this summer. The idea of it being me that's changed can't be that far from truth then.
Back to the trees. They're not so much different from themselves, but different from what I've spent the last 3 months with. The trees here aren't as green//as alive. The nature I have encountered this summer have a magnetic field opposite that of my soul, pulling me closer and closer no matter the fight.
The chipmunks have been replaced by squirrels, or at least should have been. There seems to be a lack of squirrels in the area. Although I haven't spent much time searching for them. Instead, I've spent all of my 12 hours sleeping and thinking about what faded in the rear view.
Last night, the girls were sleeping on the floor. This morning, they were both somehow wrapped up in the bed with me. Zoey noticed me open my eyes slightly, and she tells me "I'm glad you came here." Even though it was 7am and I was tired, I'll take it. :)
I'm excited... not to be going back to school, but to be one step closer to being done. I don't like the weather (and being away for so long hasn't helped).
The puppy is going insane and it's movie time. My four day summer vacation is going to be awesome.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
And when the tide rolls out, what do you see?
Life isn't about stumbling across whatever it may be that you're searching for. It's about pursuing those things and embracing all you see in the smallest yet grandest forms.
Today, I went on a trip with Lauren to pick up 2 five month old opossums. The drive to Boston alone was an adventure. Nobody on the road seemed to have a license or even the most basic concepts of driving. The city of tunnels had us going through withdrawal from the sunlight. Each path seemed to be against us, as the direction we didn't want was always bathed in sunlight while our own was dark and somewhat depressing.
Arriving at the cargo pickup location was yet another adventure. An adventure filled with rude individuals and extreme confusion. Seeing as we arrived early, we ventured into East Boston. We were lost, but a subtle lost. We seemed out of place (of course) but with a purpose.
We came across a small, beautiful park with a playground. We parked the van and did the logical thing; we got out and played on the swings. Then we moved on to the rest of the playground.
At times I find myself missing my childhood. My childhood laughter ended early, so I often find myself trying to relive the things that used to make me smile. Playing on playgrounds is one of those things. I refuse to sit by and wait for something to make me happy. I actively pursue the things I know I love, and if those are nowhere to be found.... I find the joy in what I have around me. I laugh at the slightest humor. I smile at every passing person. I hug everyone and everything when I get the chance. I look at pictures of basset hounds running, because it's adorable and inspiring. Have you ever tried running with that long os a body and extremely short, stubby legs with your ears flopping everywhere? :)
Don't wait for happiness to find you. You have two acceptable options. Find it yourself or make it. You'll never be disappointed when your happiness is in your own hands.
One habit I have taken to during my search for smiles is collecting the stickers from bananas. I currently hold four.
Today, I went on a trip with Lauren to pick up 2 five month old opossums. The drive to Boston alone was an adventure. Nobody on the road seemed to have a license or even the most basic concepts of driving. The city of tunnels had us going through withdrawal from the sunlight. Each path seemed to be against us, as the direction we didn't want was always bathed in sunlight while our own was dark and somewhat depressing.
Arriving at the cargo pickup location was yet another adventure. An adventure filled with rude individuals and extreme confusion. Seeing as we arrived early, we ventured into East Boston. We were lost, but a subtle lost. We seemed out of place (of course) but with a purpose.
We came across a small, beautiful park with a playground. We parked the van and did the logical thing; we got out and played on the swings. Then we moved on to the rest of the playground.
At times I find myself missing my childhood. My childhood laughter ended early, so I often find myself trying to relive the things that used to make me smile. Playing on playgrounds is one of those things. I refuse to sit by and wait for something to make me happy. I actively pursue the things I know I love, and if those are nowhere to be found.... I find the joy in what I have around me. I laugh at the slightest humor. I smile at every passing person. I hug everyone and everything when I get the chance. I look at pictures of basset hounds running, because it's adorable and inspiring. Have you ever tried running with that long os a body and extremely short, stubby legs with your ears flopping everywhere? :)
Don't wait for happiness to find you. You have two acceptable options. Find it yourself or make it. You'll never be disappointed when your happiness is in your own hands.
One habit I have taken to during my search for smiles is collecting the stickers from bananas. I currently hold four.
"I <3 your heart"
"I'm good for you and the Earth"
"I'm ECO-friendly"
"Kiss me, I'm organic"
I hope you find joy around every corner. I hope you find friends in the darkest of times when their presence alone means more than you realize. I hope you find love, when all you feel is hate.
Remember to smile before you realize you're frowning. We expect the sun to rise tomorrow. Remember, it expects the same of you. Every moment of your life can be an adventure. Live it.
Old friends can remind you that they still care with simple things. "whenever I see a picture of you laughing, I always hear your laugh" - Miranda. Remember not to forget them.
Old friends can remind you that they still care with simple things. "whenever I see a picture of you laughing, I always hear your laugh" - Miranda. Remember not to forget them.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Eagles are REALLY big!
A part of me wishes every morning could start with a small heart attack. While I was cleaning the raptor exhibits this morning, my safety was put to the test twice. First, one of the red tailed hawks decided to step past my comfort zone and was clearly not afraid of rakes. Second, one of the bald eagles nearly took my head off when she unintentionally flew at me. The adult male scared her and she jumped ship.... aimed right for where I happened to be standing. Luckily, there was only a two foot space I could hide in. Have you seen their talons?! Their beaks?! Their wing span?! She could have easily taken me out. I forever grateful she decided not to. :)
Dreams are our own thoughts played out by a vivid imagination. Have you ever been rejected in you dreams? I had a dream the other night about my "homecoming" and how he greeted me. He was happy to see me and the hug was one I could physically feel, even in my sleep. However, I was unimportant after that moment. The dream went on for a short while longer (whilst I was still unimportant) and ended with me falling off a cliff into raging ocean waters. Extremely odd and hurtful, even though my own mind conjured up the ridiculous series of events.
Although today is Monday, it is my Friday. My unusual schedule confuses me at times. Tonight, I plan on napping and attempting to clean the mess that is our house. Notice the key word; attempting. Tomorrow I plan on swimming and doing nothing of importance. Wednesday I am headed to Boston to pick up two 5-month old opossums. :)
His emails keep me waiting, like a guessing game. I try to ignore them, but the suspense of checking my email is one I can't avoid. It's a mess that I never thought I would be involved in. I never thought I was this sort of girl. I was never meant to be.
Dreams are our own thoughts played out by a vivid imagination. Have you ever been rejected in you dreams? I had a dream the other night about my "homecoming" and how he greeted me. He was happy to see me and the hug was one I could physically feel, even in my sleep. However, I was unimportant after that moment. The dream went on for a short while longer (whilst I was still unimportant) and ended with me falling off a cliff into raging ocean waters. Extremely odd and hurtful, even though my own mind conjured up the ridiculous series of events.
Although today is Monday, it is my Friday. My unusual schedule confuses me at times. Tonight, I plan on napping and attempting to clean the mess that is our house. Notice the key word; attempting. Tomorrow I plan on swimming and doing nothing of importance. Wednesday I am headed to Boston to pick up two 5-month old opossums. :)
His emails keep me waiting, like a guessing game. I try to ignore them, but the suspense of checking my email is one I can't avoid. It's a mess that I never thought I would be involved in. I never thought I was this sort of girl. I was never meant to be.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Am I excited?
I was asked today if I was excited for Florida.... for going back "home." I answered no. Specifically, "I hate Florida with a burning passion." A little harsh, I know. I would love Florida if I were simply visiting instead of living there. I love the places I have committed myself to such as school and the shelter. I would probably love Florida even more if I weren't currently being abandoned piece by piece.
I love the people and I wish I never had to be away from them. Sadly, that's not how life works. Life is all about finding something that makes you happy and soon after waving goodbye from the back window. We're never the ones driving, as much as my optimistic self would like to say we were. I'm not entirely sure who's driving.... or if the car is even moving.
All I can do is focus on now. I'm in New Hampshire, where the weather is beautiful and the people smile back. The wildlife walks along my porch and eats in nearby trees. The birds ensure you stir when the sun rises. The foxes make your heart skip a beat in the silence of the night. The squirrels..... well, they just like to yell.
I love the people and I wish I never had to be away from them. Sadly, that's not how life works. Life is all about finding something that makes you happy and soon after waving goodbye from the back window. We're never the ones driving, as much as my optimistic self would like to say we were. I'm not entirely sure who's driving.... or if the car is even moving.
All I can do is focus on now. I'm in New Hampshire, where the weather is beautiful and the people smile back. The wildlife walks along my porch and eats in nearby trees. The birds ensure you stir when the sun rises. The foxes make your heart skip a beat in the silence of the night. The squirrels..... well, they just like to yell.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Inspiring
A smile when there's only frowns
A joker with a laugh so loud
You seemed to always brighten up the room
A voice like a symphony
A heart as deep as the sea
Inspiring, you were someone to look up to
Heather Janssen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=go-PTrORE_M&feature=channel_video_title
A joker with a laugh so loud
You seemed to always brighten up the room
A voice like a symphony
A heart as deep as the sea
Inspiring, you were someone to look up to
Heather Janssen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=go-PTrORE_M&feature=channel_video_title
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Fell in love with a smile
In time, everything falls apart. The things you have and the things you thought you had. They all have to come tumbling down. This truth isn't meant to harm us or leave us in the dirt that is our perceived failure. It's meant to make room for the new. As a being, I personally thrive on the constant changes (as much as I wish not to admit it). I feel that we all have a little longing for the same. We were never meant to have the same thing for any long period of time, as nice as it may be.
Let there be room for new things, experiences, places, and people. Each and every moment means something if you make it so. People are meant to change each other. He'll always win if he fights to, but until then I want to be happy. New people//new places//new experiences; they make me happy.
"Don't frown. You never know who might fall in love with your smile."
Life here is becoming more and more like a dream I never want to wake from. I love the "rustic" style home and the overall lifestyle of this area. This life is nothing like I ever could have imagined. I certainly never imagine falling in love with everything I have here. Leaving is going to be much, much harder than anticipated. I don't look forward to that day. The plane ride will be a cold and lonely experience.
For now, I will focus on the things I have and not a thing more. I have a wonderful "job." I'm surrounded by amazing people. I've found my niche. It's comfortable and heart warming. It's everything I want in my hands as I feel myself being stalked by a thief waiting to tear it away.
It stormed yesterday. I missed the rain. When I sit on the porch, the rain falls in a drip drop fashion because we don't have gutters. It's absolutely gorgeous to watch... I wish technology could somehow show you what I see. There was a sunset that would leave anyone breathless. The natural world I am currently surrounded by is not one I wish to soon forget.
Let there be room for new things, experiences, places, and people. Each and every moment means something if you make it so. People are meant to change each other. He'll always win if he fights to, but until then I want to be happy. New people//new places//new experiences; they make me happy.
"Don't frown. You never know who might fall in love with your smile."
Life here is becoming more and more like a dream I never want to wake from. I love the "rustic" style home and the overall lifestyle of this area. This life is nothing like I ever could have imagined. I certainly never imagine falling in love with everything I have here. Leaving is going to be much, much harder than anticipated. I don't look forward to that day. The plane ride will be a cold and lonely experience.
For now, I will focus on the things I have and not a thing more. I have a wonderful "job." I'm surrounded by amazing people. I've found my niche. It's comfortable and heart warming. It's everything I want in my hands as I feel myself being stalked by a thief waiting to tear it away.
It stormed yesterday. I missed the rain. When I sit on the porch, the rain falls in a drip drop fashion because we don't have gutters. It's absolutely gorgeous to watch... I wish technology could somehow show you what I see. There was a sunset that would leave anyone breathless. The natural world I am currently surrounded by is not one I wish to soon forget.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Those babies aren't so cute and cuddly
Part of animal care is feeding and shifting in the animals every evening. Tuesday, I tagged along with Tom to close. When we got to quarantine, it was time to feed our 3 baby skunks. He prepared the vegetable portion of their diet while I opened the door to give them meat.
Me: "Ew. I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to be happening!"
*shoves face into wall*
--: "What? Is he dead?"
Me: * peaks around wall* "I don't know. YES!"
* shoves face back into wall and squeezes arm*
The two larger skunks had been fighting over the smaller skunk. Originally, I thought they had ripped a small part of his skin open. Turns out they had ripped his head off and were fighting over the rest of the body. The head was only held on by a small sliver of skin. Possibly the most horrific moment of my summer. Even worse than playing tug-of-war with headless geese in an effort to skin their still warm bodies.
All in all, a horrible moment that I will never forget. Now I can't look at those baby skunks the same, regardless of how fuzzy and adorable they are. They are vicious creatures.
We had to bury two skunks that evening, because we had to euthanize one that someone brought in. Sad, sad times.
Guided Discoveries are almost done for me. My last day is tomorrow. I enjoy working with children, but the past two weeks have been quite a challenge. When you lack interest in what your trying to teach, it ruins the experience for everyone. Thus, I have been putting a lot of energy toward keeping the kids and myself excited. More of a challenge than I anticipated.
Last night we went to see Zookeeper. Greatest movie I have seen in a very long time. I highly recommend it. :) I cackled the entire time, when I wasn't "aww"ing, as per my usual.
I plan on ending this summer with a bang. I have no idea how, but it is more than deserving of a wonderful ending. :)
If you've been following the chronicles of Brittany's heart, you know I've been making stupid decisions. He stopped speaking to me (for whatever reason) for a month, and I told myself I would make him sweat it out and not answer his message. Yeah, I made him sweat...... no not really. I answered him two days after he sent it, which is longer than my usual same day response. In other words, I caved as I always do. Sad town.
I'm working on improvements. No worries. :p
Me: "Ew. I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to be happening!"
*shoves face into wall*
--: "What? Is he dead?"
Me: * peaks around wall* "I don't know. YES!"
* shoves face back into wall and squeezes arm*
The two larger skunks had been fighting over the smaller skunk. Originally, I thought they had ripped a small part of his skin open. Turns out they had ripped his head off and were fighting over the rest of the body. The head was only held on by a small sliver of skin. Possibly the most horrific moment of my summer. Even worse than playing tug-of-war with headless geese in an effort to skin their still warm bodies.
All in all, a horrible moment that I will never forget. Now I can't look at those baby skunks the same, regardless of how fuzzy and adorable they are. They are vicious creatures.
We had to bury two skunks that evening, because we had to euthanize one that someone brought in. Sad, sad times.
Guided Discoveries are almost done for me. My last day is tomorrow. I enjoy working with children, but the past two weeks have been quite a challenge. When you lack interest in what your trying to teach, it ruins the experience for everyone. Thus, I have been putting a lot of energy toward keeping the kids and myself excited. More of a challenge than I anticipated.
Last night we went to see Zookeeper. Greatest movie I have seen in a very long time. I highly recommend it. :) I cackled the entire time, when I wasn't "aww"ing, as per my usual.
I plan on ending this summer with a bang. I have no idea how, but it is more than deserving of a wonderful ending. :)
If you've been following the chronicles of Brittany's heart, you know I've been making stupid decisions. He stopped speaking to me (for whatever reason) for a month, and I told myself I would make him sweat it out and not answer his message. Yeah, I made him sweat...... no not really. I answered him two days after he sent it, which is longer than my usual same day response. In other words, I caved as I always do. Sad town.
I'm working on improvements. No worries. :p
Monday, July 11, 2011
I hoped you'd see my face and be reminded
This week is AstroCamp. We get to learn about space. :) I'm really just here to stand in the corner and talk a little bit about nature. It's a nice little break from the non stop.
It's been a little while since we've spoken last, me and him. About a month now. I won't lie and say I wasn't sad. I left Tampa knowing that we were at a point in the story line where it was horrible for me to leave. I feared that when I returned, all of our progress would mean nothing. I made a promise to myself that my focus would be on New Hampshire and I was doing well. I WAS doing well.
Dani and I talked about his lack of contact and she argued that I should forget him and move on. I thought it would be a good idea, so I agreed. There I was. Ready, not to forget, but to leave things open for more opportunities. Then I get to work this morning and he responded.
At this point, I would have been better off without an answer. I accepted that I wasn't a priority and I focused my attention at all the gorgeous and wonderful men New Hampshire has to offer. :p
The line that did me in. "You behave yourself. Can't wait to see your smiling face again."
I keep making the same mistakes I always make. I allow them to hurt me because in my mind, the good always outweighs the bad. If you've won my heart, I guess you can hurt my however you'd like until I finally break. It's the same from all of us. We never learn from our mistakes.
It's been a little while since we've spoken last, me and him. About a month now. I won't lie and say I wasn't sad. I left Tampa knowing that we were at a point in the story line where it was horrible for me to leave. I feared that when I returned, all of our progress would mean nothing. I made a promise to myself that my focus would be on New Hampshire and I was doing well. I WAS doing well.
Dani and I talked about his lack of contact and she argued that I should forget him and move on. I thought it would be a good idea, so I agreed. There I was. Ready, not to forget, but to leave things open for more opportunities. Then I get to work this morning and he responded.
At this point, I would have been better off without an answer. I accepted that I wasn't a priority and I focused my attention at all the gorgeous and wonderful men New Hampshire has to offer. :p
The line that did me in. "You behave yourself. Can't wait to see your smiling face again."
I keep making the same mistakes I always make. I allow them to hurt me because in my mind, the good always outweighs the bad. If you've won my heart, I guess you can hurt my however you'd like until I finally break. It's the same from all of us. We never learn from our mistakes.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Midnight swimming and new friends
Last night I met two of Mike's friends, Derek and Cam, who stayed the night. We had another Intern Cottage Gathering. The Dodge's came over as well. We played games, watched Always Sunny, played poker, went on a small walk through the woods, and danced. :) We also went midnight swimming in the lake. Apparently Derek and Cam missed the swimsuit memo........... good thing it was dark outside. ;p
Dani and I ran into yet more creepers. As we swam in the dark they insisted on us spending the evening with them in inappropriate manners and were very rude and persistent. Of course, as our luck would have it, our three manly men left us on our own while these rude and disgusting individuals harassed us with words.
All in all, the night was fantastic. Being surrounded by intoxicated individuals is always an adventure in itself.
These two new guys were sure characters. Cam only drinks appletinis and is a tall, lanky dancing machine. Derek is a polite (when sober) touchy-feely, and loud individual. They were both very entertaining guys who provided a much needed release from the work week.
On our walk to the midnight swim, Derek thought it necessary to wrap his arm around me and confess his drunken habits. It's always a wonderful feeling when someone comes up to you and puts their arm around you, no matter how much of a stranger they are (as long as they have good intentions). It's a nice reminder that you're important, or somehow appealing to another person. :)
Of course the Dodge boys were wonderful as usual. Even after the short time knowing them, we are officially best friends. :)
After looking back, it was a night of laughter and enjoyment. I'm glad we have these nights of release in our busy lives here at the Science Center.
Dani and I ran into yet more creepers. As we swam in the dark they insisted on us spending the evening with them in inappropriate manners and were very rude and persistent. Of course, as our luck would have it, our three manly men left us on our own while these rude and disgusting individuals harassed us with words.
All in all, the night was fantastic. Being surrounded by intoxicated individuals is always an adventure in itself.
These two new guys were sure characters. Cam only drinks appletinis and is a tall, lanky dancing machine. Derek is a polite (when sober) touchy-feely, and loud individual. They were both very entertaining guys who provided a much needed release from the work week.
On our walk to the midnight swim, Derek thought it necessary to wrap his arm around me and confess his drunken habits. It's always a wonderful feeling when someone comes up to you and puts their arm around you, no matter how much of a stranger they are (as long as they have good intentions). It's a nice reminder that you're important, or somehow appealing to another person. :)
Of course the Dodge boys were wonderful as usual. Even after the short time knowing them, we are officially best friends. :)
After looking back, it was a night of laughter and enjoyment. I'm glad we have these nights of release in our busy lives here at the Science Center.
Friday, July 1, 2011
My post for work. Enjoy!
I wrote half of this with a killer migraine last night and the other half this morning after the kids already arrived for class.
By Program Intern Brittany Mielcarek
I find that it can be easy to forget about the natural beauty around us. My internship here at the science center has been 5 weeks or reconnecting with nature and its amazing beauty.
Something as simple as a pinecone can tell a great story, but only if we take the time to notice it. Education program director, Amy Yeakel, took me and the other interns for a hike up Mt. Fayal as part of our professional development. We came across a pinecone and Amy took that opportunity to explain something we might find on the forest floor. Red squirrels will pull the exterior scales (bracts) off a pinecone to get to the underside of the bracts for feeding. When the squirrel is finished, a bare pinecone is left surrounded by bracts. If you happen upon this in the forest, it’s a sure sign of red squirrel activity.
Naturalist Dave Erler and I cleaned the white tail deer exhibit of stinging nettle. Stinging nettle is a plant covered in fine hairs that contain irritating chemicals and can grow up to 2-4 feet tall. When this plant is brushed up against, these hairs stick in the skin of whatever animal may be passing by. This creates an itchy feeling that is almost impossible to resist. When scratched, the hairs release the irritating chemicals into the skin and the itching becomes more intense and lasts much longer. Before Dave showed me what stinging nettle looked like, the deer exhibit looked like a blur of green and brown. Once I took the time to distinguish between one plant and another, the picture changed. It was no longer a mix of colors.
We passed a tree the other day that had grown is a wavy pattern. I have seen trees like this before, but I had never known the cause. I learned that there is an insect that eats the apical buds off the tops of trees. Apical buds produce the hormones that are responsible for vertical growth in trees. In order for the tree to continue growing vertically, there must be a small amount of lateral growth first. The insects keep eating the apical buds and the tree continues to grow up and then to the side. The tree ends up looking like a wavy piece of curly hair growing into the sky.
This week I’ve been assisting with the Wild Art guided discovery. One of our first activities was creating field guides using Kirkwood Gardens. Page one was a general view of a group of plants. There was little detail but many colors blended together. The next page involved closing in on one plant or one flower and painting the details in. This was a reminder to me about the importance of fine details. Not only is the big picture important, but each individual aspect is equally as important.
The trees and plants around us have stories to share is we take the time and care to listen. If take time to actually see and learn about the natural world around us, we can truly benefit from all it has to offer.
Remember that every part of nature has a purpose. A dead tree is just as vital as a live tree. Each and every organism serves a purpose, although we may not know it at first. I would like to encourage all of you to take the time to reconnect to nature. Spend an afternoon outside with friends and family. Your backyard can be as much as a natural adventure as a hike to the top of a mountain. You just have to take the time to find it.
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