Losing myself

    It's a sad moment when you realize you're unhappy. This moment, only to be joined by a loving friend expressing their concern about how living situations have changed who I am.  I pride myself on my character; never ending joy and laughter to fill castles. It truly hurts to know I'm slowly losing that.... with every breath.
    Just the other day I started writing a post I never published. This is a part of that unpublished, incomplete thought. "I've reached that point in the semester; that point where everything seems to crumble with the slightest breeze. My emotional status seems to be rapidly declining. The more time I spend trying to find a way to cope with that, the worse it gets."
    It's not a good feeling.............

    My relationship has been one of those areas of life also playing a huge role in my stress pile. We never defined what things were, we just grabbed what we could and ran from the burning building that was time. Looking back now....against my normal philosophy... I would change everything.
    I want to talk about him the way I used to. Why has that changed? I find myself wishing for the distance we had this summer. It was easier, knowing that our distance was because of the miles between us. Now.... I can't tell you what the distance is or what's causing it, but there's a gap I can't seem to fill no matter how hard I try. I just seem to be digging deeper.
    My only solution is to stop expecting. I care for him, a lot. I would rather have him in my life in a seemingly meaningless way than not at all. I will never expect to hear from him, or see him, or whatever else I could expect regardless of what he tells me. If I never get my hopes up I can never be let down, right?
    Don't tell me the truth. Don't tell me how stupid this idea is. Please. I already know. I have to salvage what little sanity I have left in the only way I can manage.


I don't want to lose who I am. I don't want to lose what I've spent years building. I'm grasping at the fragile roots protruding into the hole I've dug. One day, I'll find my way out.