Another year without you

Dear Daddy,
   It's your birthday again. Just another day, right? I don't look at your pictures often but it's not because I don't love you and miss you with every fiber of my being. I don't look at them because it hurts. Each year, you feel further from me.... more like a dream than the father I knew. It hurts to think that your face is a slowly fading memory.. instead of something I get to see every day.
   I miss your hugs. I miss your voice. I miss every moment we had together. I miss when you yelled at me for doing something wrong. I miss when you picked me back up every time I fell.
    I. Miss. You.
  I made a promise to myself today; that I would look at your pictures more often. You were an amazing person who taught me to fight for what I believe in and never doubt myself. I am this person because you pushed me to be. Thank you.
 I'll see you again, wherever you are.

Love,
 Your heartbroken, strong, dedicated daughter. See you soon.

Ed Sheeran

    When I first started listening to Ed Sheeran's album, I wasn't impressed. It's sole purpose was to keep me hidden from the silence. I was listening to songs, but wash was not it's own; they were one blend of sound. A wall I didn;t give two seconds of thoughts to... until now. 

    This brings me to my most recent realization; I think I'm in love with Ed Sheeran. I'm in love with his adorable red hair (regardless of what you haters says :p). His messy, non chalant appearance has an appeal to me that I will never understand.
    To give you a taste of why I love him, I am going through each track and posting my favorite lines. It's becoming an obsession I can't hide. It's so bad that I am fighting the urge to perform tendencies equivalent to that of a stalker. :p

1. The A Team - "Stuck in her daydream, been this way since 18, but lately her face seems slowly sinking, wasting, crumbling like pastries"  We can all find a passion in "people watching." This line just reminds me how simple it is to see the emotional and physical toll of the stressful lives we live each day. If only we looked for it in others, we could all be saved. 

2. Drunk - "I want to be drunk when I wake up on the right side of the wrong bed, and every excuse I made, tell you the truth, I hate what didn't kill me, it never made me stronger" This song definitely catches me straight from the start line. There's no deep philosophical reason; it's not motivational or inspirational. I simply relate to it. 

3. U.N.I - "I found your hairband on my bedroom floor, the only evidence that you've been here before, I don't get waves of missing you anymore... pain is only relevant if it still hurts" It's amazing how fast someone can come into your life. How fast they can leave, without a trace, is equally amazing. 

4. Grade 8 - "My eyes are a river filler, this drink is a liver killer, my chest is a pillow for your weary head to lay to rest again... your mind is my new best friend" By this point, I think I'm just relating to his pain management skills. 

5. Wake Me Up - 'Cause maybe you're lovable, maybe you're my snowflake, and when your eyes turn from green to grey in the winter, I'll hold you in a cold place... and you'll never know just how beautiful you are to me, but maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up" Love is a dangerous game nobody has ever figured out. I have found that most times, we create the love we want with someone in our minds. The relationship falls apart when we realize it was never true, just a dream we tried to make reality. When dreams and reality meet, we find happiness. 

6. Small Bump - "Cause you were just a small bump, unborn for four months, then torn from life, maybe you were needed up there, but we're still unaware as why" It breaks my heart, but lives that end early are not something I am a stranger to. Maybe not that early, but early all the same. 

7. This - "This is the start of something beautiful... and I'll throw it all away, watch you fall...and take me back, take me home, watch me fall down to earth" I've been thrown away and I have thrown others away on many occasions. Be it fear, pain or denial.... I take for granted the love and opportunities I've had. I take them for granted before they even begin. 

8. The City - "The pavement is my friend, it will take me where I need to go.. and the shop across the road fulfills my needs and gives me company when I need it" Feeling lost and alone. Something we can all relate to. 

9. Lego House - "And it's so hard to say it, but I've been here before, now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours... I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on" I just love this entire song, especially since the opening instrumentals have an Incubus like feel. 

10. You Need Me, I Don't Need You - "People think I'm bound to blow up..but I haven't got a house plus I live on the couch" A feeling of having nothing but working for everything. 

11. Kiss - "And your\hearts against my chest, lips pressed to my neck, I'm falling for your eyes but they don't me yet, And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm falling in love now"

12. Give Me Love - "Give me love like her, Cause lately I've been waking up alone, Paint spotted tear drops on my shirt, told you I'd let them go, And I'll fight my corner, Maybe tonight I'll call ya, After my blood turns into alcohol, No I just wanna hold ya, Give a little time to me, I'll burn this out...All I want is the taste that you lips allow"

13. Autumn Leaves - "Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you, fall down like autumn leaves, and hush now, close your eyes before the sleep, and you're miles away, and yesterday you were here with me... is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you" Just beautiful.

14. Little Bird - "Come inside for a little home made tea, and if you fall asleep then at least you're next to me"

15. Gold Rush - "Maybe you should learn to love her like the way you want to be loved"

16. Sunburn - "I'm looking for what used to be mine....I moved far away from you, and I want to see you here beside me, but things aren't clear, we never even tried, we never even talked, we never even thought in the long run...and I miss you"

Thought Catalog

    I'm addicted to Thought Catalog, and you should be too. It's full of wonderful, real words that say what we can never manage. Go. Discover the wonders these writings have hidden.
    Scroll through the titles until you find one that seems even mildly interesting. Read it and be amazed at how easy it is to relate to every word on your screen. Spend a moment connecting words to real life; to what you feel every day of your life. Suddenly find yourself looking for more titles; you're hooked. You can't escape it so just give in. Soak in the beauty that is honesty and convince yourself to change yourself. You want to be more honest and run through the streets confessing your love and having new adventures. Once you close the tab, take it all back. The excitement only lasts for a moment and you're back to being the same as before, but those words will follow you around. Eventually, you will do something adventurous or tell someone just how much you have loved them since your meeting.
    Thought Catalog. Here's a little taste of what I have been reading today. Seeing as I was thinking about confessions of strong feelings I have that I have convinced myself can be classified as love, all my titles has related to love//sex//heartbreak. Find your title and annoy your Facebook friends with 50 postings of blogs. I do it all the time. :)

Let it out. Let the love out.

Read this quote by Harvey Milk.

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

Harvey Milk said this decades ago but it has never felt more relevant to how we live our lives today. When did we become so afraid to love someone with vulnerability? When did we become so fearful of spilling our guts andbeing who we are? It sounds corny but it’s true. A few months ago, after a long time of doing the elaborate modern dance and keeping my feelings in, I let them out at 5 a.m. to someone and it didn’t go well. I could see this person make the switch in his mind. I was the “crazy emotional” one now. I told the truth and I was going to pay for my sins.

We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so fucking exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us.