It's up to you.

    I've said this to myself//to friends//to people I've never met. I find myself saying this more in recent times than I ever have. It has never been more true//relevant//meaningful.
    Because with each passing moment, everything will get clearer//if only you trusted yourself with the honesty you fight into the shadows of your mind.
    As I sit here with listening ears, interjecting advice when I see fit... I'm fighting a similar battle. You can't love, or be loved, without being honest with ALL of those feelings we work so hard to ignore.
    Face those thoughts. Write them out. Move past the obstacle you continue to stop at, regardless of how many times you get a running start.
    It all works out. It all gets better. Wear a smile and love with all your heart. Your world doesn't have to be dark. Be your own light.

Updates:
  There is a snuffleupagus hanging on my door accompanied by three pictures of goats in trees as well as a Nova Scotia license plate.
  I turned my desk so I can stare at pictures of people I love//a picture of beav!!//and so I could set my books upright (because they looked so sad in the manner I had tossed them in the corner)

When the rain stops by

    This rain is always the best. It comes down in sheets, blocking my view of the skyscrapers filling my window. Carefully, the rain slows. The buildings begin to peak through the white film that has become the air. A reminder that they're still there, simply hiding. Oddly enough, the lightning and thunder become more intense as the rain fades by miniscule amounts.
    No matter the intensity, at this exact moment I find it comforting. The only thing keeping me indoors is the need to study//not backed up by a single ounce of motivation.
    Those buildings I mentioned, they've gone back into hiding. The storm isn't yet ready to leave. It lets us know this. The wind picks up and the sheet fills with ripples. The rain changes directions and splashes on my window, only for a moment before returning to the pattern it started with. Each time it finds its way to the window, it does so with a bit more strength//as if begging for my attention//as if it is telling me it understands.

    Every Sunday, my phone sings its tune at the same time. Today.... silence. I don't know whether to feel nothing or anything at all. It's a mess and I don't know how to clean it. I can only hope the week brings something new//something better.

You said you love me

    Tomorrow used to exist. I never had a problem imagining what tomorrow would bring with you. Now I'm not so sure.
    It hurts//waiting for you. I can't call you simply to hear your voice//show up at your door because I needed to feel your chest as you breathe. This isn't what I wanted for myself...for you....for us.
    You tell me you're trying and I believe you. I don't believe myself. Those daydreams of tomorrow are becoming few and far apart. I want them back. I want to trust that I'll still want you when I wake up in the morning and that comes with trusting that you'll still be there.

    I'm trying to study, but I can't think of anything but you. I can't stop thinking about how it felt on the other side; not much better than it feels now.

    I want to know how I'll feel tomorrow. I don't want to wait until it's too late to fix it.

I love your calls. I hate them. The sound of your voice instantly calms me and brings a smile to my face without hesitation. The short duration of those calls breaks my heart. I love that you call just to tell me you were thinking about me and to hear my voice, but I wish there would be more. More time. More words.

"I need to buy a one way ticket to anywhere. Someplace far and I'll never look back."

Let me fall for you

     The library calms me. The hushed conversations provide a novel feeling for the day. The presence of people isn't overwhelming. I don't feel the need to be somewhere else in an attempt to avoid the annoying tendencies of those around me, mainly because those annoying people never seem to drift toward that "weird building filled with smelly books." I guess there's a reason we don't find them there....... not to imply anything. :)

    I'm prepared. Yes, the semester started 3 weeks ago, but it isn't official until the exams start rolling in. Tomorrow, I am faced with my first biopsychology exam. Wednesday; general physiology. Next week; behavioral biology and microbiology. Give me a few less hours sleep and I'll be ready.

When I wake up to something like this I can't help but feel like everything is going to be alright.

 

Good Morning Beautiful,
How was your night? I hope you slept well. I thought of you and went to sleep with a smile on my face. I hope you have a good day today. I will be thinking of you.

Lots of kisses,
Matthew

    I try to explain how he makes me feel, but I find myself lost in a mess of words I can't seem to straighten out. I stumble and trip over my own giggles interspersed in my jumbled speech. 

    He makes me happy. I haven't felt this happy//loved//optimistic in an unspecified amount of time that I can't seem to determine. He leaves me with an uncontrollable smile with the simplest of actions. 

    Matthew is the one thing in my life that I FEEL is concrete. I don't worry that he'll change his mind or that I'll wake up one morning to find him on the other side of the fence with judging eyes. 

    I don't hide anything I am with him. I tell him the truth//how I feel//what I want//what scares me. I've never felt this comfort. 

    We spend time together without the need to be doing something. Being in the same room is enough. We can sit on the bed and try and finish a crossword puzzle//watch his favorite team (even when I'm not a fan)//sing songs we don't know the words to//dance to our own music//laugh at nothing//smile for no reason. We can forget that we ever tried to be something for someone or tried to be happy. I stopped trying the moment I learned his name.

Something along those lines.... :)

I can't help thinking...

    And I've waited all week for tomorrow. For one day, with one person, with no plans. I can't tell if the week is going faster or slower or moving at all.
    When every second feels like a lifetime//when every phone call makes my heart skip//when every cute message leaves me speechless.
    What happens when I fall too deep to climb out? I never know what to believe. Am I alone in here, or is there yet not enough light to see beside me?

Check out this baby seal!!!!!!

    If I had to judge my reward system now, I failed. I barely got any work done and my reward is supposed to be here in less than 24 hours. I still have a few hours tonight, and I have to wait for my laundry to finish. I could continue writing a blog that will bring me to new heights....... and by that I mean nowhere.... or I could be productive.
    Productivity it is.

    Wait, one more thing. I "googled" myself the other day per the advice of my senior seminar professor. This blog appears. My bog posts from work this summer appear. My high school honor roll was there too. Myspace comes up..... what is that? The lovely Facebook of course.
    My point. Clearly I'm a cool kid.


"And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town"

You're so hypnotizing

    My heart can stop longing for what I created in my own imaginary world. He is now a part of my life. I spent a summer waiting for what I never believed would be.
    I find myself at my desk//looking at the same view I previously expressed disgust for//smiling like a fool. This weekend couldn't have happened any better.
    Forget about all the sad//depressing//pathetic words I previously slammed onto my keyboard. The near future looks like a beautiful day begging to be enjoyed.

    I have to admit that the initial reunion was a bit awkward//neither of us knowing what the other expected. We took it step by step and let the words flow. For once in my life, I listened. I noticed that his words flowed more freely when I left an empty silence between them. I've never been good with silence but I'm slowly learning.
    In his own words and my own thoughts, it seemed like we had known each other forever. After the few moments of confusion that greeted us, everything was easy. We were no longer trying to be, we just were. My mind didn't fill with the worries it normally would have. His callused hand fit gently into mine and everything was good. 

All those little things. He wondered how long my hair had gotten and worried that I'd cut it off.

    I wanna see you. And hug you. And make you smile. And make you laugh. And just lie on the couch next to you. And then just fall asleep beside you. It'd be nice.

"Run far away, so I can breathe. Even though you're far from suffocating me"

"My stomach screams just when I look at you"

You wake me in the middle of the night....

    Fall is by far my favorite season of the year. The changes that happen are admired for their beauty but never for their purpose. The trees look beautiful with changing colors as the leaves prepare to depart, but why? The wildlife seem to be constantly scurrying with anxiety and worry, but why? Fall gives me a reason to occupy my mind with questions often ignored. I always appreciate the beauty more when I know why it's beautiful.

    Every time I look at the storm clouds in the distance, I am only reminded of your distance from me. The only connection I have to bridge the space between us is the rising intensity as a storm approaches. I can do nothing but stand in it.

    For a moment in time, I thought I would finally find myself safe//immersed in your embrace with no thought of what surrounded me. I let the simplistic answer convince my heart to smile. I bubbled with joy//with giggles//with love. I became anxious in anticipation.
    This moment, only to be ruined with the reminder that things are never so simple. When tomorrow comes, it will still feel empty.

    See you. Feel your face. Memorize the patterns in your eyes. Never be able to forget how you smell. Breath with you. Feel your fingers as they glide across my skin. Touch your hand with faith that it won't disappear. See you smile. Feel your embrace. Not let go.
    You have me wrapped around your finger, and I almost pulled out the scissors.

Love

i want a love that feels like

im listening to bright eyes. that's with someone who is humble, and loving. that makes me feel like i'm laying on the beach with no one else around. i want someone i don't have to try around and that doesn't try to impress me but does anyways. I want someone who is smart enough to see the beauty in little things, but still gets the big picture. i want to lay in bed for days with them and watch movies and talk for hours about anything and everything. someone who wants to hangout with me a lot but is cool with time apart. someone who thinks i'm funny and can make me laugh. someone who doesn't take themselves seriously and can look deeper into other people than just whats on the outside. someone who is charming and grimy.
i don't think my perfect guy exists.
and i don't think anyone else will do right now.