Waiting out the endless in-between

I remember. I'm sure we all remember our own personal versions of similar stories.

For the first time I found myself free falling into another person's being. Focusing all my energy on memorizing the random and seemingly meaningless characteristics; the freckle pattern on his arm, the hypnotic rhythm of his voice, the soothing sensation of his touch. 

The novel experience of letting my guard down and letting someone in... it overwhelmed me. I quickly became all too involved with an uncharacteristically small amount of caution. It was as if I was caught in the undertow. I was swirling in an addicting rush. Everything he did.... everything he does, seems acceptable.

I'm no longer under the water. I'm swimming a tremendous distance from shore (parallel to the shoreline of course). I'm slowly finding life savers along the way, one every now and then. Soon enough, I'll find my way back to the sandy beaches of sanity.

The scariest part of this thought, is that it's all happening again. Not exactly the same. This current goes by a different name. The direction and speed of this one is very fitting to my own. He lacks the many hazards of the aforementioned. Maybe one day I can write about current B and forget about current A. Only he can decide that now, because I already know the direction I'm swimming.

After the storm

---I tried to find a picture to put in here, and I couldn't find one.---

After six months, my mother finally decided it was time to speak to me again. Six months. What kind of relationship is that? I'll admit I was stubborn as I didn't call her either. I honestly thought I wouldn't have to. To stop speaking to me for such a small reason.... I wasn't motivated to fight for her.

Not only did she wait six months to call me, but she called me to complain that I didn't tell her about my internship. There were so many things I wanted to say. "You didn't call me when my sister started self mutilating. You didn't call me when my brother got married. You didn't call me to let me know you were passing through a city I was staying. You didn't." Instead, I sat silently hoping that something would push my voice in the right direction.

I've spent months in counseling in an attempt to work through the pain that I harbor. I don't know if I'm more upset at what my mother has done to me, or that she is the topic of all my sessions. For once, I want to say something positive about her without counteracting myself with something negative. I don't want to feel this way.

I keep reminding myself that I have people in my life now who will fight for me.... as long as I fight for them. I've been fighting.

Most of my pain seems to stem from my empathy for my sister. I don't care anymore what my mother decides to do to me. There's not much more that can be done. What hurts me more is the repetition of mistakes that she doesn't see. My sister is there still. She has a chance to grab her before she runs. "I don't care that she's hurting me. What really angers me is that she's doing the same thing to Lacey, and she doesn't even notice." I've heard myself say this in more than one session.

This just reminded me to schedule my next appointment. It makes me nervous. I'm scared to uncover the things I hide from myself.

Who am I?

I walk around everyday knowing who I am, until the second someone asks me "who are you?" My mind gets lost in its own weave while I'm trying to think of something intelligent to say. I have constantly limited myself to answering this question with one philosophic statement, or a quote from my favorite literature. Why can't I allow myself to tell the truth. I'm not composed of a book quote or a meaningless and empty philosophic thought. There is so much to me that I shouldn't leave open for others interpretations.

I am an adult with a childish spirit. I am a lover and a worrier. I am a great source of advice, but I rarely do what I say.

I am following my dreams and attending school. I pay for my schooling 97% on my own. I have worked diligently to get myself here, and now I am letting it slide away. I attend all of my classes with a chipper stride. I use a dancing monkey pen to take notes in lecture. I can't swallow pills well, so I consume chewable gummy vitamins.

My friends mean the world to me. I would rather sit with them for days doing nothing at all, then do something entertaining on my own. I enjoy watching others benefit from something I have to give, even if it's my last penny. I care about everyone more than the average person; I'm still trying to determine whether that goes under the pros list or the cons. I'm extremely sentimental and I soak in every moment I have with the people I care about (I can only dwell on the wish that I would have done this sooner).

I laugh at everything and I have no volume down function. I thoroughly enjoy hugs and the simple pleasure of human contact. My dogs mean the world to me. I have extreme trust issues, but I somehow manage to give my heart away the moment I find comfort.

I control my mood with music and I fall in love with every note//every lyric//every beat. I lose myself in books because they make me smile. I am a motivator in groups, but I am easily discouraged when I fail on my own. I am the kind of girl who covers her walls with pictures and bright colors because it makes me feel safe.

I think too much before I go to sleep. My emotional state usually corresponds to the cleanliness of my desk. I leave my clean clothes in the hamper until I have to do laundry again. I try to convince myself that dumping the clean clothes on my bed and putting dirty ones in the hamper will force me to fold my laundry, but I find a way around that every time.

I like to think I'm not a creature of habit, but I'm not sure. I draw on my walls with chalk, mostly to inspire myself. I'm addicted to post its and dry erase boards. Fall is my favorite season because I fall in love with the beauty around me. I will stop to stare at a beautiful plant or to watch the leaves fall from above. I smile at the little things nature has to offer.

I..... am still trying to figure out who I am. Who are you?