Another year without you

Dear Daddy,
   It's your birthday again. Just another day, right? I don't look at your pictures often but it's not because I don't love you and miss you with every fiber of my being. I don't look at them because it hurts. Each year, you feel further from me.... more like a dream than the father I knew. It hurts to think that your face is a slowly fading memory.. instead of something I get to see every day.
   I miss your hugs. I miss your voice. I miss every moment we had together. I miss when you yelled at me for doing something wrong. I miss when you picked me back up every time I fell.
    I. Miss. You.
  I made a promise to myself today; that I would look at your pictures more often. You were an amazing person who taught me to fight for what I believe in and never doubt myself. I am this person because you pushed me to be. Thank you.
 I'll see you again, wherever you are.

Love,
 Your heartbroken, strong, dedicated daughter. See you soon.

Ed Sheeran

    When I first started listening to Ed Sheeran's album, I wasn't impressed. It's sole purpose was to keep me hidden from the silence. I was listening to songs, but wash was not it's own; they were one blend of sound. A wall I didn;t give two seconds of thoughts to... until now. 

    This brings me to my most recent realization; I think I'm in love with Ed Sheeran. I'm in love with his adorable red hair (regardless of what you haters says :p). His messy, non chalant appearance has an appeal to me that I will never understand.
    To give you a taste of why I love him, I am going through each track and posting my favorite lines. It's becoming an obsession I can't hide. It's so bad that I am fighting the urge to perform tendencies equivalent to that of a stalker. :p

1. The A Team - "Stuck in her daydream, been this way since 18, but lately her face seems slowly sinking, wasting, crumbling like pastries"  We can all find a passion in "people watching." This line just reminds me how simple it is to see the emotional and physical toll of the stressful lives we live each day. If only we looked for it in others, we could all be saved. 

2. Drunk - "I want to be drunk when I wake up on the right side of the wrong bed, and every excuse I made, tell you the truth, I hate what didn't kill me, it never made me stronger" This song definitely catches me straight from the start line. There's no deep philosophical reason; it's not motivational or inspirational. I simply relate to it. 

3. U.N.I - "I found your hairband on my bedroom floor, the only evidence that you've been here before, I don't get waves of missing you anymore... pain is only relevant if it still hurts" It's amazing how fast someone can come into your life. How fast they can leave, without a trace, is equally amazing. 

4. Grade 8 - "My eyes are a river filler, this drink is a liver killer, my chest is a pillow for your weary head to lay to rest again... your mind is my new best friend" By this point, I think I'm just relating to his pain management skills. 

5. Wake Me Up - 'Cause maybe you're lovable, maybe you're my snowflake, and when your eyes turn from green to grey in the winter, I'll hold you in a cold place... and you'll never know just how beautiful you are to me, but maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up" Love is a dangerous game nobody has ever figured out. I have found that most times, we create the love we want with someone in our minds. The relationship falls apart when we realize it was never true, just a dream we tried to make reality. When dreams and reality meet, we find happiness. 

6. Small Bump - "Cause you were just a small bump, unborn for four months, then torn from life, maybe you were needed up there, but we're still unaware as why" It breaks my heart, but lives that end early are not something I am a stranger to. Maybe not that early, but early all the same. 

7. This - "This is the start of something beautiful... and I'll throw it all away, watch you fall...and take me back, take me home, watch me fall down to earth" I've been thrown away and I have thrown others away on many occasions. Be it fear, pain or denial.... I take for granted the love and opportunities I've had. I take them for granted before they even begin. 

8. The City - "The pavement is my friend, it will take me where I need to go.. and the shop across the road fulfills my needs and gives me company when I need it" Feeling lost and alone. Something we can all relate to. 

9. Lego House - "And it's so hard to say it, but I've been here before, now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours... I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on" I just love this entire song, especially since the opening instrumentals have an Incubus like feel. 

10. You Need Me, I Don't Need You - "People think I'm bound to blow up..but I haven't got a house plus I live on the couch" A feeling of having nothing but working for everything. 

11. Kiss - "And your\hearts against my chest, lips pressed to my neck, I'm falling for your eyes but they don't me yet, And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm falling in love now"

12. Give Me Love - "Give me love like her, Cause lately I've been waking up alone, Paint spotted tear drops on my shirt, told you I'd let them go, And I'll fight my corner, Maybe tonight I'll call ya, After my blood turns into alcohol, No I just wanna hold ya, Give a little time to me, I'll burn this out...All I want is the taste that you lips allow"

13. Autumn Leaves - "Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you, fall down like autumn leaves, and hush now, close your eyes before the sleep, and you're miles away, and yesterday you were here with me... is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you" Just beautiful.

14. Little Bird - "Come inside for a little home made tea, and if you fall asleep then at least you're next to me"

15. Gold Rush - "Maybe you should learn to love her like the way you want to be loved"

16. Sunburn - "I'm looking for what used to be mine....I moved far away from you, and I want to see you here beside me, but things aren't clear, we never even tried, we never even talked, we never even thought in the long run...and I miss you"

Thought Catalog

    I'm addicted to Thought Catalog, and you should be too. It's full of wonderful, real words that say what we can never manage. Go. Discover the wonders these writings have hidden.
    Scroll through the titles until you find one that seems even mildly interesting. Read it and be amazed at how easy it is to relate to every word on your screen. Spend a moment connecting words to real life; to what you feel every day of your life. Suddenly find yourself looking for more titles; you're hooked. You can't escape it so just give in. Soak in the beauty that is honesty and convince yourself to change yourself. You want to be more honest and run through the streets confessing your love and having new adventures. Once you close the tab, take it all back. The excitement only lasts for a moment and you're back to being the same as before, but those words will follow you around. Eventually, you will do something adventurous or tell someone just how much you have loved them since your meeting.
    Thought Catalog. Here's a little taste of what I have been reading today. Seeing as I was thinking about confessions of strong feelings I have that I have convinced myself can be classified as love, all my titles has related to love//sex//heartbreak. Find your title and annoy your Facebook friends with 50 postings of blogs. I do it all the time. :)

Let it out. Let the love out.

Read this quote by Harvey Milk.

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

Harvey Milk said this decades ago but it has never felt more relevant to how we live our lives today. When did we become so afraid to love someone with vulnerability? When did we become so fearful of spilling our guts andbeing who we are? It sounds corny but it’s true. A few months ago, after a long time of doing the elaborate modern dance and keeping my feelings in, I let them out at 5 a.m. to someone and it didn’t go well. I could see this person make the switch in his mind. I was the “crazy emotional” one now. I told the truth and I was going to pay for my sins.

We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so fucking exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us. 

Never let the stars burn out

    Last night, while attempting to drift into a dream world full of puppies and rainbows I developed a new desire to live life. Being that I have recently found myself with nothing pressing on my mind, my inner conversation bounces off the walls of my skull picking up every particle of unfinished thoughts it can find.
    Thinking can be a dangerous game at times. The thoughts have two paths to tread down; positive or negative. In the past, my thoughts have taken a liking to the treacherous footing of the negative path. I'll be honest in telling you that they have previously led me to a depressing bottle or the cold company of a stranger. This is no longer the idea I have of myself. I'm not scared of my thoughts anymore because I will no longer fill my days with poor thoughts while time ticks by without me.
    I am spending my time alone noting where I am and where I want to be. I am dreaming big and acting out. I am daydreaming of love and hoping for adventure. My life is my own and I am ready to stand alone with less tears and more exuberant smiles.

    It's funny because when you're a child, you believe you can be anything you want to be; go wherever you want to go. There's no limit to what you can dream. You expect the unexpected, you believe in magic, in fairy tales and in possibilities. Then you grow older and that innocence is shattered and somewhere along the way.... the reality of life gets in the way and you're hit by the realization that you can't be all you wanted to be, you just might have to settle for a little bit less. Or perhaps a variation of what you once wanted
    I am working on accepting the variation of my original plan; on opening my heart to new ideas... new people; on admitting that past is past and the mistakes I've made and opportunities I've missed are from this point forward irrelevant to who I am and what I want.

    I am pushing myself to be who I truly am. I have found my energy and my light; it was waiting for me all along. These are a few things I have done to brighten my days, and I am asking you to do the same for yourself.

Turn the music up. Get out of your car and dance at a stoplight. Force your dog to slow dance with you even if the only thing on his mind is his dinner. Sing to all those in the parking lot of your local Walmart. Take in the glances and the stares you might get as if you were born to be watched and admired. Love everything around you and be thankful that you get to experience it. Tell everyone how much you love your life. Make someone smile by acting like a fool. 

Be selfless, even when every bone in your body tells you not to. Accept the past and forget about it; move forward in every aspect. Be spontaneous. Learn something new because you want to instead of need to. Don't ridicule the opinions of others, no matter how ridiculous they may seem compared to your own.

Ask yourself why you have held on to the people you hold dear to your heart. Follow your heart. Love and be loved. Develop a fairy tale in your head to save you when you need a break. 

AND THEN THERE'S THE PART WHERE YOU KNOW I HAVE TO SHARE SILLY PICTURES, BEAUTIFUL PICTURES, AND SOME QUOTES. I JUST LOVE IT. ENJOY!

I ESPECIALLY LOVE THIS DOG PICTURE!!

Birthdays.. Just another day

    For my birthday, my father gave me a gift. All day long I heard his voice running through my head. When I was younger I was forever eager to greet my father on the morning of his birthday. His response would always be "It's just another day." This rang clear in my head from the moment I stirred this morning.
    When I woke up I didn't feel the usual giddy excitement of birthdays. It was simply.... another day. A wonderful woman sent me a message that both proved my father's statement true and opened my eyes to a new light.

Life can't be counted in candles, or measured in number of years, its counted in small joys and good times and laugh lines, as well as in heartaches and tears.

Life can't be counted in candles, but in things done with effort and pride- with dreams followed boldly and hopes kept alive - in times we've failed- but tried.

Life can't be counted in candles or measured in years that have flown - it's counted in kindnesses, close friends and loved ones, and all the sweet blessings we've known.

In the midst of your hectic life, I hope you have a moment to reflect on what difference you are making. On your birthday, wishing you always - love to surround you, warm memories to cheer you and happiness to fill your heart.

    Birthdays are just another day; another day of living the life I have chosen and changing the world. Reading this message made me realize that the years don't matter. My actions, however, will forever matter.

Happy birthday to me.

The Story I Told You

    A few summer's ago, I met a guy who wasn't afraid to ask me questions that others may have deemed rude or inappropriate. This post is about the lie I told him..... when he asked me my age.
    I was in a new place with new people. Nobody knew the story of my life; where I was from, what I had been through and the person my experiences molded me in to. There was nobody to judge my past, rather the decisions I made after the moment we met.
    This guy asked me my age and I replied with 21. You can probably imagine why I choose that age for my lie, but it isn't what you think. I wasn't planning on drinking all summer. I actually planned on avoiding it.

    --Starting my freshmen year of high school, my exposure to alcohol was at a high. There is a lot of history of alcoholism in my extended family, so alcohol was nothing new. Neither was its "benefits of abuse." I had easy access to drinks and it only got easier as I went through high school and college. With my history, this proved to be a harmful exposure. --

    When he asked me my age, my stomach immediately sunk to the floor. I was living with people of age and hanging out with people who planned on enjoying their summer in style, with drinks in hand. After a second or two of deliberation (while trying to pretend I was too occupied with work to answer right away) I decided to tell him I was 21. Here is my reasoning.
    In the past, I turned to alcohol quite often when I didn't think I could handle what life was throwing at me. My high school years were rough and I wasn't properly equipped to handle them on my own. Knowing I was going to be spending the entire summer around alcohol..... I lied.
    I lied because I didn't want to be judged. What if I craved a drink... and cracked? In the moment I debated my answer with myself, lying seemed like a better way to avoid judgement than drinking under age.

    I did crack, on multiple occasions and I had my ways of avoiding trouble. I managed to avoid getting carded and convinced my roommates to "grab me something" while they were at the store or share their beer with me.
    At one of our gatherings, I came home late from work and everyone was drinking and enjoying their evening. After ten minutes of sitting on the couch, I walked to the kitchen and made a very strong drink... and then another... and then another. The next morning, he didn't hesitate to ask me why I started drinking... when I had previously told him I didn't drink. I shrugged my shoulders and quickly changed the subject.

--- During lunch one day, he asked me why I never had a drink when we went out. I replied with "I don't drink." He questioned if there was alcoholism in my family, and based on my reaction, he asked if I was an alcoholic. I quickly responded with a no and didn't change my answer or explain when he hesitated, watching me, giving me a chance to share. --


****I never drank to get drunk. I have never liked the feeling of losing control of my body. Even one drink makes me tired, but six... or ten knock me out if I let them. I drank to sleep.... to dream.... to forget the world... to live in my dreams and not with the pain I felt when I was awake.****


This isn't a lie I can keep forever. He'll find out eventually, along with everyone else there. Maybe if he reads this, if they read this... they will forgive me.

You have my deepest, most sincere apologies and my endless thankfulness for caring. I'm sorry. Just know that I greatly miss every second that you cared.

An attempt at translation: Emotions to words

**I've been trying to write this post for the past two weeks. I can't seem to put words to my thoughts.... and I can't type emotions**

  These words are hard to type... to describe the emotions I don't quite understand. The last two months has been a horrible roller coaster I wish would stop. There have been moments//moments when the tracks seem to slow me down and I feel like I'm about to stop. The only problem is I don't want those times to be when the brakes start to work. 

   

    I am in a love/hate relationship with my life. 

I LOVE:

• I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to live on. 
• My dog. 
• My dreams.
• My family.

I "HATE":

• I have no space to claim as my own. 
• Bills. 
• That I don't love my jobs like I have loved jobs/volunteer positions in the past.
• That I don't feel like I'm at home.
• Four years of my life suddenly ended and I had to make and adjust to a new one.

    This person I see in the mirror... it isn't me. I finally understand what so many writers, musicians and poets have said in the past. I don't recognize myself. I am not where I thought I would be, with who I thought I would be, doing what I thought I would be. 

    I don't smile nearly as much as I used to. I feel alone... when I never am. I've lost my inner light... and I've entered a dark tunnel. 

    I found myself in tears thinking, "This is all I have, and I'm ruining it." I can't seem to shake the thought. I'm working toward my future and I'm trying to get back on track but I can't help but feel like my feet are glued to the ground. 

    

I can't find the words to complete this. I'm lost. I'm trying to find my way back. Trying to convince myself I'm not failing. The best I can do is post pictures I found on the internet that I, at one point, saved on my computer. 

Final thoughts: I miss my father. I miss Curtis. The two men in this world that have kept my feet on the ground and driven me to follow my dreams. I love them with all my heart and wait for my time to see them again. You're always on my mind, always in my heart. The good ones always go first........

I can't tell you...

I can't tell you....
    -I'm happy. I'm not.
    -You never cross my mind. You're always there.
    -My heart is whole. I feel the pain every day.
    -This is where I want to be. I put my dreams on hold.

I can, however, promise you that I am working on being exactly who I want to be. I am running in the direction I mapped out for myself before you, before this. I know what I deserve and I'm going to get it. I'm smiling, every chance I get. Soon enough, I'll be where I should be.

I fall every now and then, and I fall hard... but I always get up. You'll never win.

Crash and Cry

    I just experienced my first ever car accident. The car was full; Roberta and the girls were in there with me. This is just one example of how every little decision effects the next.
    We were on our way to Harris Teeter and Walmart, but I turned the wrong direction and headed toward Food Lion. Once we realized I went the wrong way, we turned down another busy road to head in the right direction. Coming to a familiar intersection, I let the car slow to 35 mph thinking we might have to turn. I realized we had to go straight and continued on.
    There was a car about 50 feet in front of us. A man was waiting to turn left onto the road we were on. As we approach the intersection, he attempted to turn between us and the car in front of us. I yelled, hit the brakes, and tried to swerve. There was so little space between us however that we collided. We simply stopped in our truck while his car spun around twice before stopping on the side of the road.
    My glasses flew off my face as my head flung forward. Luckily I prepared myself and braced against the steering wheel. Roberta's glasses flew off too. Leanne hit the side of the car seat with her head and Zoey's arm hit the car seat. Cheyenne ended up with a burn and bruise from the seat belt on her neck. Roberta and I are only now starting to feel any pain.

    This was a terrifying moment for me. The first thing I did was pull over onto the side, turn my hazards on and try to jump out and get to the kids. My door wouldn't open, so I climbed out through the passenger side. I opened the door and started getting the kids out. The fire department was right across the street and they quickly rushed to our aide. The moment I knew the kids and everyone were safe, I began to have a minor panic attack. Breathing was a challenge and I couldn't stop crying. Zoey gave me a hug and I forced myself to stop crying and breath right, if only to soothe her.
 
    It was honestly one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Sadly, not everyone reacted in an appropriate fashion but thank goodness we are all ok.
    For the other guy... he wasn't wearing his seat belt. After the crash it looked like he was attempting to run (the firemen were ready to chase him down) but he collapsed with a possible serious head injury. They took him to the hospital and that's all we know.

    The tow truck driver hitched up the car and tried to drive away with our truck in reverse. "If the transmission wasn't broken before, it is now!"

    Time for an early night.

Here I am

    4 years. I've spent four years of my life chasing my dreams. Little did I know, I was living them. I can honestly say that the past four years have been the most challenging, painful, busy, amazing, beautiful and meaningful of my lifetime. I had my ups and my downs.... more than my fair share of downs. I learned lessons no book or individual could ever teach me. I worked hard and always gave it my best. I fell...oh, how I fell... but I always picked myself back up, brushed off the dirt and moved on. 

    Yet, here I am. Those endless hours have led me here.... to my couch. I had big plans for myself. Halfway through college I gave up one dream in exchange for another. I was happy with the decision. I had a plan and I worked my ass off to make it come to fruition. 

    For whatever reason, I let go. I stopped working. I settled. I settled for something I thought I wanted. 

    Don't get me wrong. I do love spending time at home and getting a break from the stress I have endured, but it isn't everything I need. I've accepted a job I didn't want. I've left behind everything I built, in a city I hated. 

    The passion that fueled the fire//the one thing that made my light shine so bright// I lost it. maybe I left it on the side of the road upon my departure... maybe it slowly dwindled. Whatever the reason, it's gone. 

    I recently read a post that caught my attention and got me thinking about everything I mentioned above. 

"Don’t be afraid of the future. Yes it’s scary, uncertain and sometimes not very kind but keep being persistent. Remember to surround yourself with strong relational bonds with family and friends who will support and encourage you. As you go through your classes make sure maintain in contact with your professors, supervisors at jobs and internships. Their contacts and advice is very invaluable and will benefit you as you start the job searching process. 
Always keep perspective, even if you don’t end up where you want to be just yet, remember you won’t stay there forever. A job doesn’t define your self worth. It doesn’t mean you aren’t talented or that you don’t have gifts to give. It may take you a little longer than you like but the lessons you learn as you go through these experiences will shape your character and humility. 
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
Robert Frost"

    Even with these words, I still feel like I've slipped through a hole in the net. The net that was supposed to guide me home and keep me from busting my ass on the harsh ground. I'm starting to believe that no such net ever existed. 

    

    I have to remind myself daily that I am doing something for my life. I am getting my veterinary technician degree (soon to be certified). I'm working in a veterinary hospital, even if I am doing the grunt work for a while. I'll soon be training dogs again. 

    I think the hard part about this can be found in the fact that I am no longer around people who know who I am, who know my skills and the things I have to offer. It's hard to be doubted. I haven't had to deal with that in a while and I'm not particularly fond of it. 

    I need to push forward//to find my place in the Queen City//to learn to love myself again//to love where I am//to build for myself what I did in Tampa. Here I go. I'll let you know how it turns out.

    At least I have my dog. :P

Blue, for you

    I waited for the moment we received that dreaded phone call. Three weeks past. Three weeks of fear, of pain, of trying to keep ourselves busy. A waiting game with an ending no one wanted to see.
    I knew the moment my phone rang... I knew exactly what that call meant. My heart skipped a beat. The space between those beats seemed like an eternity.
    I hung up the phone and stared ahead. I was in the car and I had no better idea but to turn up the music and watch the lines on the road pass me by. I put up my walls. I forced myself to wait. I couldn't let go yet. I needed to hold on as long as I could.
    I met with friends when I got back to campus. It all slowly began to feel real. Something about being with others who are feeling the same thing.... the tears are harder to fight.

    I let myself feel the pain for a minute or two, but the walls weren't down for long. I put them back up and I shut down. The moment I cry again//I can't face it//I can't think about it. If I let the pain get to me, the situation is real. Everything crashes down in one loud rumble.

    I can already feel my spark leaving//draining//fading. I don't have much left and I'm fighting to hold on to what remains.

    Curtis McIntyre. A beautiful soul with few to compare to. You could describe me as.... unique... odd... whatever you  may choose. Curtis is the first I've met who handled me (the entire me; obnoxious laugh included) all at once. I remember telling him we were going to be best friends and how I spent an entire summer saving up blue post its for him. When I saw him in August, I threw my arms up for a hug... yelling.. waiting for him to find his way across the room.
    Everyone loved him. Nobody had a choice. He brought something into the world for everyone and never left a single person forgotten. He could make me smile at my worst moments and bring me down from irrational highs... all with the same gentle demeanor.
    There was never a dull moment. I am still the proud owner of all the items he spent an hour sliding under my bedroom door. The umbrella we broke after I attacked him with it. :)
 

    When he sneakily surprised us with a visit in December.... I nearly lost it. He skyped us from his phone and walked in our door. The moment his hand touched the door handle, I knew exactly what was happening. I ran into the living room and he had to yell at me to stop. His counts were still low and we had to be gentle. I hugged him and didn't let go. I held on to him for a solid 5 minutes in tears. I was so shocked. After that, I sat on the couch and stared... with nothing to say. Then we had celebratory Pita Pit. :)

    This boy was something special. A person to remember. He changed my life in an immeasurable way. He never once doubted or judged a single person. You could always count on him to be there when you needed, no matter how small it may have been.

    Tomorrow.... it's your day to finally lay to rest. I'm happy: You're pain and suffering is over. I'm devastated: You were young with so much before you. You would have changed the world... You will change the world, through those you left behind. My heart breaks at the thought of you. I still see you everywhere.
    I love you more than words can say. You'll always be on my mind. I'll forever be inspired by your spirit. I'm going to change the world, with you right by my side.
    I can't wait to see you again. Share your smile up there for a while. Spread the endless love you have shown us. Until next time......

    For tomorrow, I wear blue. For you, and only you.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Lay down my head to the sound of thunder

It's one of those nights... when the stress is slowly draining me. 

I've had Miranda Lambert on repeat for the past two hours. 

The rain just started to fall. 

The wind, lightning, thunder. 

The ever so slight tapping of rain drops on the glass.

My only motivation to rest. 

The only thing that can comfort me and fight my restlessness. 

Interesting, isn't it? 

This force with the power for destruction. 

The only thing that slows my mind and soothes me......

I've been collecting quotes, lyrics and such. Here are a few. 


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You could be brilliant, but you're a coward.

I’m not fascinated by people who smile all the time. What I find interesting is the way people look when they are lost in thought, when their face becomes angry or serious, when they bite their lip, the way they glance, the way they look down when they walk, when they are alone and smoking a cigarette, when they smirk, the way they half smile, the way they try and hold back tears, the way when their face says they want to say something but can’t, the way they look at someone they want or love… I love the way people look when they do these things. It’s… beautiful.

every night i look up at the freckled sky and fall in love with the universe all over again. I will be counting the stars for the rest of my life


You always said that you hate to see me hurt and you hate to see me cry. So all of those times that you hurt me, did you close your eyes?


If I say "i love you" right now, will you hold it against me?

A Beautiful Moment

It's a beautiful moment...when you realize what you want to do with the rest of your life. I am going to spend the rest of my life working with canids. This has only been staring me in the face for, well, forever. 

This morning was my second time participating in "doggie play groups" at the Humane Society of Tampa Bay. This has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my time at the shelter. Here are two examples of rewarding stories. 

1. Fair: A 2.5 year old hound mix. Fair was new to the shelter floor this week and was extremely nervous and scared. This is a dangerous place for dogs to be, mainly because it can escalate so easily into aggression. She participated in our play group this morning and was scared at first. After setting her boundaries with the dogs already in the yard, Fair took her place right next to the gate. She remained there, snapping at any of the dogs that got to close, for a solid 15 minutes. Eventually though, she moved away from the gate and into the middle of the play yard. She even started to play with the other dogs!!!!! This is something that a human alone could never accomplish with a dog in this short of a time span. Just another example of why dog interactions are a pack lifestyle are so important for the well being of not only domesticated dogs, but wild species as well. 
2. Rooster & Sadie: They come together. :) Rooster is a 3 year old shepherd mix. Sadie is a 2 year old akita mix. Both of these dogs are mouthy, energetic, and difficult to handle. Most people wouldn't even imagine putting these dogs into a run with other dogs.... but it has a happy ending. Rooster and Sadie attached to each other the moment we brought them in the run. They have the same personality and love to romp and chew on each other. The perfect match. After mere minutes of interacting with each other, we introduced a smaller dog into the mix, approximately a third the size of these two large dogs. The three of them did wonderfully together. Yet another thing a person could never achieve working with these dogs alone. They even played in the pool together and shared resources (the water dish) without any signs of aggression. Beautiful!

I'm not exaggerating when I say that HSTB is my home and I will love it forever. The people who work for/volunteer at/adopt from this organization are doing amazing things. HSTB saves thousands of lives every year, and they aren't just the lives of animals. We sell tags now that say "I rescued my human." This statement could not be more true. Animals have an affect on our hearts that is immeasurable. Open your heart to an animal and you'll never be the same. Dogs done more for me than any person has or will ever come close to doing. 

Whatever capacity it may be (hopefully rescue and rehabilitation), I will be working with multiple canine species for the rest of my life. :)

I may just move in to the shelter and stay forever!!

Today was a successful day. Adoptions. Play groups. Spreading smiles. Eating dog cookies. Doesn't get much better than this.

The first dog to ever show me what it means to fully dedicate your heart to the rescue/rehabilitation of a forgotten and neglected dog. 

Riley

    Riley Biley is a beautiful Brittany Spaniel mix. The vet estimated his age at 5, although we thought he was much older when we found him. Here is this handsome boys story.

     One night, we were getting ready to lock up the bunkhouse and go to bed. I went to the front door to check if it was locked. The type of door knob in this house was the kind that always opened form the inside regardless of being locked or not, so I opened the door to twist the outside handle and check. When I opened the door, I noticed a dog curled up on our front rug. I immediately closed the door and calmly announced to the group that there was a dog on the porch. Without hesitation, I opened the door a crack and let him sniff my hand. Upon deciding he was friendly, I let him inside.
    A few people were nervous and told me not to let him in, but I blatantly ignored them and ushered him in the door. The temperature outside was in the 30s. This poor baby looked like he had stiff hips and took small, painful steps. His eye sight was poor and he was definitely tired.
   I put this baby (temporarily deemed "Bubba") in the laundry room and gave him some water and a tortilla with peanut butter on it (we were limited in dog friendly options). I called one of the kennel employees and let her know we had found a dog. We posted this sign on the laundry room door for the night.

    The next morning, I took Bubba out to go to the bathroom and I noticed he was a bit reluctant to stray far from my side. Soon after, Lindia and Bob (an employee and her husband) stopped by to pick up Bubba and get him settled in at Villa Too before we arrived for the day. Once we arrived, I made sure to run and see this precious baby.
    Bob began to tell us how he noticed this dog 5 miles outside of town heading in a few days earlier. A day later, he saw the same dog 3 miles from town. This poor dog traveled for days through the cold weather and showed up on OUR door step. Of all the places he could have chose, he chose us.
    Bubba had perked up since then and looked more like a five year old dog. His teeth were in decent shape and he was running around like nothing happened. He was still a little fearful of being alone, but overall he was doing great.
    Horse Creek names their incoming animals based on alphabetical order. "Bubba" was an "r," thus he was deemed Riley. Riley is apparently too boring for me to say, so I call him Riley Biley. Riley is now living comfortably at Horse Creek waiting for the day he gets adopted. His information should be on the website soon and hopefully he finds his forever, loving home.

Marty

Marty on Day 1. 

 

    Marty is a 7 year old lab mix. He has lived at Horse Creek Wildlife Sanctuary and Animal Refuge since he was 10 weeks old. When they got him from the shelter, he had parvo and was immediately brought to the vet for treatment. Luckily, he survived. He instantly became friends with another rescue who was eventually adopted. This left Marty alone, with no canine partners as therapy.
    Marty is a very fearful dog, whom I immediately worked to gain the trust of. This is the progression of my 7 days at horse creek with Marty.

1. I sat in his kennel for ten minutes and convinced him to smell my hand. 
2. I attempted to leash him up. After almost getting bit, I turned to a slip lead and tried again. We made it out the front door, but no further before Marty began attacking the leash and expressing extreme anxiety. I put him back in his kennel. 
3. An employee has him outside already, so I took the leash without him noticing. We made it to the patch of grass outside the villa. He allowed me to pet him for a bit before going inside. 
4. I leashed up Marty properly for the first time. We made it out the front doors and back to the same patch of grass. I gained enough of his trust that he would east crackers from my mouth. We spent a ten minutes outside, then called it a day. 
5. I leashed up Marty and got him across the yard to the walking path. We only walked for about twenty feet before deciding it was time to go in. 
6. Marty and I made it half way through the walk path before the noise of the fountain became too much for his anxiety.
7. The most successful day. 

    I want to talk about day 7 specifically, because I feel that it was Marty's gift to me. I leashed him up, and brought him outside. I decided to walk the other trail in order to avoid the fountain. Marty made it 1/2 a mile with the assistance of an animal cracker crumb trail before he was confident enough to walk unmotivated. Marty and I a walked an entire mile before going back inside. 

    To most, that doesn't seem like such a success. I, however, notice the behavioral significance of this event. Tears come to my eyes just thinking about it. 

    I remember crying on day 2. I felt defeated the moment he threw himself to the ground. I knew that I was going to keep trying... although I was unsure whether Marty would accept me or not. To go from avoidance to willingness is an amazing improvement for a dog, in less than 1 week. 

Marty and I in the med room. 

    On day 3, one of the employees and I noticed a dark spot on Marty's iris. Day 4, luckily, was the vet visit day. Upon examination, the doctor advised that Marty be taken to an eye specialist to determine what the mass was and he put him on prednisone eye drops to reduce possible inflammation. Hopefully he is alright and won't need any surgery. 

    Marty is another dog I am adding to my canine loves list. This list consists of all the dogs that remind me why I am passionate about animal rescue. I would not be who I am today without the influence these dogs had on me. Every rescue dog/animal I have worked with has inspired me to do more and be better. The list has the ones who broke my heart.... all before bringing me together again and changing my life. 

*Roscoe, Sky, Marty, Rebel, Gizmo*

From the Horse Creek website

Marty arrived at Horse Creek from the animal shelter on July 6, 2004. An adorable little black puppy, we took him directly to the veterinarian's office because he was so sick. We could not leave him at the shelter to suffer.

As a puppy Marty was hospitalized for Parvo virus. But only a couple of days of that and he was ready to come back to Horse Creek. He was stronger than ever.

Marty became friends with one of our rescued dogs who had some pretty tough emotional problems. We left him at Horse Creek to take care of her, rather than taking him to adoption events. He brought her out of her shell, but he also got pretty accustomed to his surroundings. He gets a little nervous still about new things, but he quickly adjusts with a little time and attention. He LOVES people.

This guy obviously has a positive attitude. He deserves a good home. He is now healthy and happy.

Marty is ready for a forever home with a loving family. All he needs is a chance. . . .

Let Things Go

    I'm constantly battling with myself; trying not to run back to you. We're on opposite sides of a string and you've stopped pulling. It's floating life less in the space between us//neither one allowing their hands to reach out.
    I wanted to let you go and to walk away. So, you let me walk away... without a breath of fight, without a word. At that moment, I had the strength. Then you had to go and tap my shoulder. Just enough for me to turn around and forget where I was going. And here we are.... 3 weeks later and I'm still waiting. Even though you've obviously come to terms with my decision.
    I'm done. It was all a selfish game. The last time I saw you//the secret goodbye//the lure on the pole you're not watching. Looking back now, I realize how easy it was to spot. I was reacting to your goodbye with distance. Miles of distance crammed between the embrace, the kiss, the space between our chosen corners.
    One thing I am proud of; I walked away and didn't look back. Maybe the goodbye was mine.

    I embark tomorrow on Alternative Break: Round Two. Spring Break 2012. Savannah, TN. I get to continue saving the lives of abused, neglected, and forgotten animals. All while making friends with the horses next door. :) Expect pictures.... lots and lots of pictures.

I am ready, now more than ever, to start clean and live the life I know I can. I'm applying for dream jobs. I'm saving lives. I'm working toward being the best I can be, and no one can stop me.
   

Just Smile

For me, today turned out to be all about learning and reflecting. 

I realized that I have been at the Humane Society of TB/"home" for just over a year. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. Everyone has their passions, and this is mine. I look forward to the days I spend there and the things I learn. I've grown a tremendous amount since I first started there. I've grown in the knowledge I have and my capabilities. I have grown as a dog handler. I have grown as an educator. Most importantly, I have grown as a person. I could never put into words how thankful I am for every person there and all they have done for me. They are my family (whether they like it or not :P )

I learned: My lucky number HAS TO BE 24. Every dog at HSTB that has touched my heart//that has saved me was in kennel number twenty four. 

I learned: I am exactly where I should be. 

I learned: All the hard work is worth it. 

I learned: Saving lives is what my heart wants. You just might see me in the animal rescue field for a while. :)

I am who I am because of the experiences I have had, the chances I took, and the mistakes I made. I wouldn't trade them in for a single thing. I love my life and all of its hardships. They have brought me here. 

Yesterday marked five years since my father's death. That day will forever burn in my memory. Having to explain to my sister that our father was no longer with us.... begging for my mother to be allowed to see him before they took him off the machines.... watching people fall apart... trying to hold myself together. 

I went back to the house after a while in the hospital. Our dog greeted us, knowing something was wrong. I thought I had to be strong for everyone.... that was always my job. I smiled, I laughed and I played with my dog. Thinking about how hard I tried to smile breaks my heart even more. I should have let the weight break me then, instead of build. 

I broke. I spent years picking myself up off the ground. Here I stand. 

I got messages from a few people that reminded me how big my smile should be. They told me how I've grown to be a wonderful person and how proud my father would be. I don't normally share personal messages, but somebody sent me something that made me cry a little harder yesterday. I cried because I knew she was right.

"I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. Your father was a wonderful person, and he was always so good to Dave and me. The world was a better place with him! 

Know that I am thinking of you! You have become a wonderful young woman. Your dad would be proud of you. "

 Reading those words, "your dad would be proud of you".... I knew she was right. I knew that, although everything seemed wrong at the moment//although it seemed that I had strayed from the right path//although I feel lost and confused, I AM doing great things for myself. 

Life. It's sitting in front of us, waiting. Waiting for us to open our eyes and take the first step. I learned about myself yesterday, and today, and right now. I will always be learning about myself. 

Don't be afraid. Follow your heart. If it feels like you lost your way, check again. You may be heading exactly where you were meant to. 

"Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking.  When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through for you. Light up your face with gladness. Hide every trace of sadness. Although a tear may be ever so near. That's the time you must keep on trying. Smile what's the use of crying. You'll find that life is still worth while, if you just smile."  -- Nat King Cole never fails me. :)

Inspiration Wall

Every now and then, life brings me down. It does so for all of us. I have found my relief.

When I'm tired and beat down//when I feel defeated// when I am moments away from giving up:

My answer is simple. Music has always been a release for me, and now it has a friend. I know the next four months is going to be difficult. I'm going to be stressed, tired and emotional. I know the result will be worth it.

When I am low... this "Inspiration Wall" will pick me back up. I've already used it and I've only just completed it. I have a spot on the floor to sit and stare at this "wall."

There are pictures to remind me of where I've been and what I've accomplished, but also to remind me where I will be. There are quotes to keep me moving. Everything here is a reminder of what I live for. Friends, family, love and passions all in one place.