These words are hard to type... to describe the emotions I don't quite understand. The last two months has been a horrible roller coaster I wish would stop. There have been moments//moments when the tracks seem to slow me down and I feel like I'm about to stop. The only problem is I don't want those times to be when the brakes start to work.
I am in a love/hate relationship with my life.
I LOVE:
- I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to live on.
- My dog.
- My dreams.
- My family.
I "HATE":
- I have no space to claim as my own.
- Bills.
- That I don't love my jobs like I have loved jobs/volunteer positions in the past.
- That I don't feel like I'm at home.
- Four years of my life suddenly ended and I had to make and adjust to a new one.
This person I see in the mirror... it isn't me. I finally understand what so many writers, musicians and poets have said in the past. I don't recognize myself. I am not where I thought I would be, with who I thought I would be, doing what I thought I would be.
I don't smile nearly as much as I used to. I feel alone... when I never am. I've lost my inner light... and I've entered a dark tunnel.
I found myself in tears thinking, "This is all I have, and I'm ruining it." I can't seem to shake the thought. I'm working toward my future and I'm trying to get back on track but I can't help but feel like my feet are glued to the ground.
I can't find the words to complete this. I'm lost. I'm trying to find my way back. Trying to convince myself I'm not failing. The best I can do is post pictures I found on the internet that I, at one point, saved on my computer.
Final thoughts: I miss my father. I miss Curtis. The two men in this world that have kept my feet on the ground and driven me to follow my dreams. I love them with all my heart and wait for my time to see them again. You're always on my mind, always in my heart. The good ones always go first........
No comments:
Post a Comment