I'm just a child who longs on her knees

    I unpacked almost all of my things. You would think I would realize how much useless stuff I had when I packed, but I didn't. Life could have been a bit easier.

    This week is all about figuring out my footing. So far, I'm still wearing slick shoes on wet ice. Hopefully I figure this out before the end of the week. 


    I cried when one broke my heart for the first time. I cried when one cheated on me. I have never in my life cried for what I'm crying for now.
    I'm crying because I can see him for the first time in 4 months. I'm crying because he makes me happy. I'm crying because I care about him and he doesn't treat me like crap.
    For the first time ever, a man has made me cry because he's sweet and caring rather than a heartless fool.

As happy as I am, it was easier not being able to see him knowing there was over a thousand miles between us. Now, we're only minutes apart and our schedules are working against us.

I thought it would be better....

    Tampa has found a way to bring me back. I'm only 1/3 of the way moved in and I have no motivation. I had this same lack of motivation from the beginning. The view from my window is what any city fan would call spectacular. Previous to the prison I created, I would have found myself staring at this view with no concept of the time passing. In this moment, I'm looking out the window with no emotions being stirred. I do however see a bird (maybe a hawk) perched in a pole holding the net around the baseball field. That's the only part of the view I have any interest in. Sadly, the interest is minimal. I can't seem to get past the walls.
    My bedroom is small.... very small. I have about two feet between my bed and furniture to move throughout. The living room is large and spacious. The kitchen seems to be designed by someone who doesn't know what a kitchen is. The cabinets are too far to reach without stretching or using a chair (even the lowest shelves). The counter space, or lack there of, consists of one third of a full counter with the rest being taken up by a sink. With our dish rack we are left with no counter space. The stove only has two functioning burners. The fridge is shorter than I am. There is an entire empty wall in the kitchen that could have been utilized for counter space, yet it remains empty. The table is sufficient for two people, but four live here. The bathroom is unnecessarily large. There is a sink in the bathroom, but another next to the front door.

    I don't feel like myself here. I've been quiet. My living room is currently full with friends, but I am sitting in my room looking at a view I can't enjoy. Normally, my pictures are the first thing to be unpacked. My walls are close to bare at this moment. My desk isn't organized. I can't find my hangers. I'm finding that half of the things I'm unpacking are useless. Why didn't I figure this out before?

    Classes start tomorrow. My first class is behavioral biology at 8am.

I think I need to just get out of this building. The air here is thick and I was unprepared for it. I can almost see the humidity.

Non-metaphorical walls

    My cousins provide me with endless entertainment. The baby now crosses her arms grumpily when she's annoyed with you while her bottom lip pouts. She dances and sings too. We watched a movie yesterday, and Braveheart was mentioned in it. The line was funny, so we all giggled. Leanne laughs so Roberta and I laugh even harder knowing she has no idea why it was funny. Then she stops and asks "Who's Braveheart?"... yet again making everything much funnier.

    I'm no longer in love with the thrill of learning. The four walled classroom has ruined it for me. Learning used to be my source of happiness and freedom. I'm now in a self created prison of classrooms with no windows or nature; my voice and passions lost in the black hole that is the stack of textbooks on my desk. I'm slowing drifting away from happiness with each page turned.
    I want to learn by doing. I want to be out in the world discovering new things under overturned rocks. I want to smell the breeze and have the time to decipher every smell from the next.
    This summer, I learned by doing. My experiences required a few books, but they were books of my choice. When I learned why a touch-me-not was so named, I touched my fingers to the seed and felt the explosion of the small pod.
     I could easily say goodbye to school and depart on new things. Sadly, I have a determination and pride too hard to break (even if for my own sanity). I'll finish school and find myself searching life for my next love.


---The following is just a bunch of random things that have caught my attention at various times these days ---

Lost down some old back road. Lost in a song on the radio. Lost in your deep blue eyes. I don't care if we spend all night lost. 

To be honest with you, I don't have the words to make you feel better. I do have arms to give you a hug, ears to listen, and a heart; a heart that longs to see you smile again.

    A lot of my goodbyes tend to be short and weak, because speaking brings out the tears I try so hard to hide.

I miss you. It feels like forever since I last saw you. I want to see you. I want you to hug me. I can't even put into words how much I actually miss you right now.

    I wonder what you think of when you hear my name.

I love when you smile, but I love it more when I'm the reason.

The trees aren't as green

Hello Charlotte.
    My travels here were long and uneventful...so good, I suppose.

    The trees here are different, or maybe it's just me. I was told upon my departure yesterday that I have grown and changed a great amount this summer. The idea of it being me that's changed can't be that far from truth then.
    Back to the trees. They're not so much different from themselves, but different from what I've spent the last 3 months with. The trees here aren't as green//as alive. The nature I have encountered this summer have a magnetic field opposite that of my soul, pulling me closer and closer no matter the fight.
    The chipmunks have been replaced by squirrels, or at least should have been. There seems to be a lack of squirrels in the area. Although I haven't spent much time searching for them. Instead, I've spent all of my 12 hours sleeping and thinking about what faded in the rear view.

    Last night, the girls were sleeping on the floor. This morning, they were both somehow wrapped up in the bed with me. Zoey noticed me open my eyes slightly, and she tells me "I'm glad you came here." Even though it was 7am and I was tired, I'll take it. :)

    I'm excited... not to be going back to school, but to be one step closer to being done. I don't like the weather (and being away for so long hasn't helped).

    The puppy is going insane and it's movie time. My four day summer vacation is going to be awesome.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

And when the tide rolls out, what do you see?

    Life isn't about stumbling across whatever it may be that you're searching for. It's about pursuing those things and embracing all you see in the smallest yet grandest forms.
    Today, I went on a trip with Lauren to pick up 2 five month old opossums. The drive to Boston alone was an adventure. Nobody on the road seemed to have a license or even the most basic concepts of driving. The city of tunnels had us going through withdrawal from the sunlight. Each path seemed to be against us, as the direction we didn't want was always bathed in sunlight while our own was dark and somewhat depressing.
    Arriving at the cargo pickup location was yet another adventure. An adventure filled with rude individuals and extreme confusion. Seeing as we arrived early, we ventured into East Boston. We were lost, but a subtle lost. We seemed out of place (of course) but with a purpose.
    We came across a small, beautiful park with a playground. We parked the van and did the logical thing; we got out and played on the swings. Then we moved on to the rest of the playground.
    At times I find myself missing my childhood. My childhood laughter ended early, so I often find myself trying to relive the things that used to make me smile. Playing on playgrounds is one of those things. I refuse to sit by and wait for something to make me happy. I actively pursue the things I know I love, and if those are nowhere to be found.... I find the joy in what I have around me. I laugh at the slightest humor. I smile at every passing person. I hug everyone and everything when I get the chance. I look at pictures of basset hounds running, because it's adorable and inspiring. Have you ever tried running with that long os a body and extremely short, stubby legs with your ears flopping everywhere? :)

    Don't wait for happiness to find you. You have two acceptable options. Find it yourself or make it. You'll never be disappointed when your happiness is in your own hands.


One habit I have taken to during my search for smiles is collecting the stickers from bananas. I currently hold four.

"I <3 your heart"

"I'm good for you and the Earth"

"I'm ECO-friendly"

"Kiss me, I'm organic"

    I hope you find joy around every corner. I hope you find friends in the darkest of times when their presence alone means more than you realize. I hope you find love, when all you feel is hate.

    Remember to smile before you realize you're frowning. We expect the sun to rise tomorrow. Remember, it expects the same of you. Every moment of your life can be an adventure. Live it.

Old friends can remind you that they still care with simple things. "whenever I see a picture of you laughing, I always hear your laugh" - Miranda. Remember not to forget them. 

Eagles are REALLY big!

    A part of me wishes every morning could start with a small heart attack. While I was cleaning the raptor exhibits this morning, my safety was put to the test twice. First, one of the red tailed hawks decided to step past my comfort zone and was clearly not afraid of rakes. Second, one of the bald eagles nearly took my head off when she unintentionally flew at me. The adult male scared her and she jumped ship.... aimed right for where I happened to be standing. Luckily, there was only a two foot space I could hide in. Have you seen their talons?! Their beaks?! Their wing span?! She could have easily taken me out. I forever grateful she decided not to. :)

    Dreams are our own thoughts played out by a vivid imagination. Have you ever been rejected in you dreams? I had a dream the other night about my "homecoming" and how he greeted me. He was happy to see me and the hug was one I could physically feel, even in my sleep. However, I was unimportant after that moment. The dream went on for a short while longer (whilst I was still unimportant) and ended with me falling off a cliff into raging ocean waters. Extremely odd and hurtful, even though my own mind conjured up the ridiculous series of events.

    Although today is Monday, it is my Friday. My unusual schedule confuses me at times. Tonight, I plan on napping and attempting to clean the mess that is our house. Notice the key word; attempting. Tomorrow I plan on swimming and doing nothing of importance. Wednesday I am headed to Boston to pick up two 5-month old opossums. :)

    His emails keep me waiting, like a guessing game. I try to ignore them, but the suspense of checking my email is one I can't avoid. It's a mess that I never thought I would be involved in. I never thought I was this sort of girl. I was never meant to be.

Am I excited?

    I was asked today if I was excited for Florida.... for going back "home." I answered no. Specifically, "I hate Florida with a burning passion." A little harsh, I know. I would love Florida if I were simply visiting instead of living there. I love the places I have committed myself to such as school and the shelter. I would probably love Florida even more if I weren't currently being abandoned piece by piece.
    I love the people and I wish I never had to be away from them. Sadly, that's not how life works. Life is all about finding something that makes you happy and soon after waving goodbye from the back window. We're never the ones driving, as much as my optimistic self would like to say we were. I'm not entirely sure who's driving.... or if the car is even moving.

    All I can do is focus on now. I'm in New Hampshire, where the weather is beautiful and the people smile back. The wildlife walks along my porch and eats in nearby trees. The birds ensure you stir when the sun rises. The foxes make your heart skip a beat in the silence of the night. The squirrels..... well, they just like to yell.