4 years. I've spent four years of my life chasing my dreams. Little did I know, I was living them. I can honestly say that the past four years have been the most challenging, painful, busy, amazing, beautiful and meaningful of my lifetime. I had my ups and my downs.... more than my fair share of downs. I learned lessons no book or individual could ever teach me. I worked hard and always gave it my best. I fell...oh, how I fell... but I always picked myself back up, brushed off the dirt and moved on.
Yet, here I am. Those endless hours have led me here.... to my couch. I had big plans for myself. Halfway through college I gave up one dream in exchange for another. I was happy with the decision. I had a plan and I worked my ass off to make it come to fruition.
For whatever reason, I let go. I stopped working. I settled. I settled for something I thought I wanted.
Don't get me wrong. I do love spending time at home and getting a break from the stress I have endured, but it isn't everything I need. I've accepted a job I didn't want. I've left behind everything I built, in a city I hated.
The passion that fueled the fire//the one thing that made my light shine so bright// I lost it. maybe I left it on the side of the road upon my departure... maybe it slowly dwindled. Whatever the reason, it's gone.
I recently read a post that caught my attention and got me thinking about everything I mentioned above.
"Don’t be afraid of the future. Yes it’s scary, uncertain and sometimes not very kind but keep being persistent. Remember to surround yourself with strong relational bonds with family and friends who will support and encourage you. As you go through your classes make sure maintain in contact with your professors, supervisors at jobs and internships. Their contacts and advice is very invaluable and will benefit you as you start the job searching process.
Always keep perspective, even if you don’t end up where you want to be just yet, remember you won’t stay there forever. A job doesn’t define your self worth. It doesn’t mean you aren’t talented or that you don’t have gifts to give. It may take you a little longer than you like but the lessons you learn as you go through these experiences will shape your character and humility.
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
Robert Frost"
Even with these words, I still feel like I've slipped through a hole in the net. The net that was supposed to guide me home and keep me from busting my ass on the harsh ground. I'm starting to believe that no such net ever existed.
I have to remind myself daily that I am doing something for my life. I am getting my veterinary technician degree (soon to be certified). I'm working in a veterinary hospital, even if I am doing the grunt work for a while. I'll soon be training dogs again.
I think the hard part about this can be found in the fact that I am no longer around people who know who I am, who know my skills and the things I have to offer. It's hard to be doubted. I haven't had to deal with that in a while and I'm not particularly fond of it.
I need to push forward//to find my place in the Queen City//to learn to love myself again//to love where I am//to build for myself what I did in Tampa. Here I go. I'll let you know how it turns out.
At least I have my dog. :P
At least I have my dog. :P
