I have a plan to spark my lost motivation for writing. Every Friday, I will highlight a different aspect of my life. Hopefully, this will be as entertaining as I hope it will be. So.....

I invite you to join in learning about Brittany's passions by reading her weekly "Why I love life" post. 

Guaranteed* to entertain you for hours**!!!!

*By guarantee, I mean there is no guarantee. 

** Probably more on the minutes scale. 

GET EXCITED!!!!!!

Decisions & Reminders

    At times, we find ourselves in need of creating ultimatums. We all know them and we all hate them. If you've had the pleasure of experiencing one of these stressors, regardless of the side of the fence you found yourself... you understand how emotionally challenging they can be.
    When they're against you: Everything seems like the wrong decision and those decisions don't feel like your own. Every step is met with a moment of breath withheld.
    When you're making them: The fear of actually following through lingers everywhere and escape is impossible. Sleep is lost and the dreams you had turn upside down with confusion.
    Don't write them off just yet, however. These depressing and dreaded moments in life act as reminders of how strong our emotions really are. I recently made a decision with myself somewhat like an ultimatum//one the other party was unaware of. Each and every moment seemed to last forever. I begged myself to change my decision and questioned my strength when the moment was within reach. My "ultimatum" required cutting off a relationship if a long planned introduction wasn't made. The thought of simply letting go of something I've given so much of myself to killed me. I was ready though..... ready to make a decision that would break not only my heart, but his.
    On to the end of this miserable story. Everything worked out. I made sure of it. My lesson: This decision helped to remind myself that my feelings weren't fake. I have been questioning myself for a while. I wasn't sure if this was something I really wanted to devote my heart to. I found myself thinking on multiple occasions that this was something I enjoyed more when it was simply a daydream. By forcing myself to take action, I rekindled what I thought I had lost.
    This isn't to say that it made anything easier, but it gave meaning to what seemed like nothing.

Every hard decision is one that needs to be made. It's hard for a reason, and it's well worth it in the end. 

Not to simply know

    We aren't simply supposed to know, we're supposed to live. Live and learn. I find stress in not knowing what tomorrow will bring; if my schedule will stay on track//who will decided to leave and who will forever stay.
    What would everything be if we, however it were to happen, knew what the answers were to life's questions that bring us emotional strain?

    I want an adventure. I wan to do something new and make mistakes. I want a new shovel, to dig new holes; holes I can climb out of in triumph.

    Life is waiting for us to play along. Like a sick game, we must suffer before we find the light that brings us such joy. With this, I challenge the world. Give me problems and let me solve them. Tell me no... I'll SHOW you yes. Break my heart and watch me build.

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."

Losing myself

    It's a sad moment when you realize you're unhappy. This moment, only to be joined by a loving friend expressing their concern about how living situations have changed who I am.  I pride myself on my character; never ending joy and laughter to fill castles. It truly hurts to know I'm slowly losing that.... with every breath.
    Just the other day I started writing a post I never published. This is a part of that unpublished, incomplete thought. "I've reached that point in the semester; that point where everything seems to crumble with the slightest breeze. My emotional status seems to be rapidly declining. The more time I spend trying to find a way to cope with that, the worse it gets."
    It's not a good feeling.............

    My relationship has been one of those areas of life also playing a huge role in my stress pile. We never defined what things were, we just grabbed what we could and ran from the burning building that was time. Looking back now....against my normal philosophy... I would change everything.
    I want to talk about him the way I used to. Why has that changed? I find myself wishing for the distance we had this summer. It was easier, knowing that our distance was because of the miles between us. Now.... I can't tell you what the distance is or what's causing it, but there's a gap I can't seem to fill no matter how hard I try. I just seem to be digging deeper.
    My only solution is to stop expecting. I care for him, a lot. I would rather have him in my life in a seemingly meaningless way than not at all. I will never expect to hear from him, or see him, or whatever else I could expect regardless of what he tells me. If I never get my hopes up I can never be let down, right?
    Don't tell me the truth. Don't tell me how stupid this idea is. Please. I already know. I have to salvage what little sanity I have left in the only way I can manage.


I don't want to lose who I am. I don't want to lose what I've spent years building. I'm grasping at the fragile roots protruding into the hole I've dug. One day, I'll find my way out.

 

Finding my way back

    I feel sick. My body aches and my wisdom teeth aren't playing nice. My nose is stuffy and I can't seem to focus or recall basic information. I tried to nap but instead found myself laying in bed for three hours with no success. Even last night, when I tried to sleep I was unsuccessful. I was successful in memorizing the texture of the wall next to my bed, however.
    Of course, when I lay awake in bed with not an ounce of sleep.... I find other ways to be productive. One such way is to organize my thoughts and file the ones I need to clear out onto this lovely web page. And so it begins.

    I used to find this process so helpful. My heart was always lighter and my mind free after every post I made. There was no reason for me to turn my back. Lately though, I find my brain empty when I sit for my nightly writing session.
    Each and every night I go through the habit of clicking that bookmarked link at the top of my browser that brings me here. I type a few words, but I never get further than those few. Usually it's sparked by an inspirational quote, or picture, or song lyrics that tugs at my heart enough to provide the smallest amount of motivation; a motivation that vanishes more and more with each beat of my heart.
    This evening my motivation stems from.... well.... my lack of motivation. I have spent the past three years building who I am today and part of that is discovering and utilizing successful coping methods. I've discovered passions that I can participate in as often as I would like and it still be reasonable. This blog is one of those passions.
    I used to store my writings in a file on my computer, hidden from the eyes of those I couldn't trust enough to let in. By that, I mean hidden from everyone. I couldn't even bring myself to read them. I realized I couldn't trust myself with my own thoughts. With that came the realization that I had a problem I needed to deal with before it got any worse. It took my two years to start dealing with that problem. I greatly regret waiting. The problems didn't go away. They hid from my view and built an arsenal of weapons for their future, repeated attacks.
    I've finally come to a point where I can trust myself, and now all of you with the words I type. One bridge crossed. I hold my lack of attention to this page in between my fingers, burning as a constant reminder that I've somehow managed to ignore. As long as I blow out the match I currently hold in my hand, this bridge should be alright.
    I have a few other passions I would like to keep up with. My book collection has increased. I find myself with a never growing collection of books on canine behavior and breed descriptions. My summer goal was to learn 150 breeds and I failed. I learned about 30. Yet another passion I have ignored.
    Riding has been put on hold, but I expect to be on the back of one of my majestic, four legged, beautiful loves again soon. Luckily, music hasn't gone far. Yoga has been pushed aside, along with most of my other forms of entertainment, to make room for my academics and (a lack of) sleep.
    This month is my time to work on finding my way back to the path I was so happy on. I have everything I need and I am determined to make time for what I love.

    The past year has been a bit rough on my heart. I've picked up the pieces, as I always do, and held them tight. I may have finally found someone to help me piece things back together. He just needs to believe that I'm not settling//that I truly care//that he deserves me. I'll be happily waiting here when he does.

    That writing experience definitely filled a gap. Thank you for reading this!!!! I know it can seem pointless and annoying at times. You truly are reading my brain vomit. I hope you enjoy it. :p

"I don't wanna miss you. I don't wanna get used to being by myself. I don't wanna give my heart to no one else."

Beautiful Reminders

This is one of those days//weeks//months....... one of those times when I find myself in need of BEAUTIFUL REMINDERS. I am lucky enough to be able to see the beauty in my life when everything appears gray. The wall I currently face is covered in pictures of things in my life that never fail to make me smile (it's missing a few). I want to share some of those things with you and hopefully be your inspiration to find the BEAUTIFUL REMINDERS in your own lives.

Some of the faces that never fail to make me smile.  :)

Whoa! Double whammy. My dog and Christmas time.

Hehe. My dog again. The most important man in my life.

Not just this horse.... ALL OF THEM!!!!!!

Beav. Of course. We're best friends.

Reminder of a beautiful summer in a beautiful place.

She's only my best friend.