Finding my way back

    I feel sick. My body aches and my wisdom teeth aren't playing nice. My nose is stuffy and I can't seem to focus or recall basic information. I tried to nap but instead found myself laying in bed for three hours with no success. Even last night, when I tried to sleep I was unsuccessful. I was successful in memorizing the texture of the wall next to my bed, however.
    Of course, when I lay awake in bed with not an ounce of sleep.... I find other ways to be productive. One such way is to organize my thoughts and file the ones I need to clear out onto this lovely web page. And so it begins.

    I used to find this process so helpful. My heart was always lighter and my mind free after every post I made. There was no reason for me to turn my back. Lately though, I find my brain empty when I sit for my nightly writing session.
    Each and every night I go through the habit of clicking that bookmarked link at the top of my browser that brings me here. I type a few words, but I never get further than those few. Usually it's sparked by an inspirational quote, or picture, or song lyrics that tugs at my heart enough to provide the smallest amount of motivation; a motivation that vanishes more and more with each beat of my heart.
    This evening my motivation stems from.... well.... my lack of motivation. I have spent the past three years building who I am today and part of that is discovering and utilizing successful coping methods. I've discovered passions that I can participate in as often as I would like and it still be reasonable. This blog is one of those passions.
    I used to store my writings in a file on my computer, hidden from the eyes of those I couldn't trust enough to let in. By that, I mean hidden from everyone. I couldn't even bring myself to read them. I realized I couldn't trust myself with my own thoughts. With that came the realization that I had a problem I needed to deal with before it got any worse. It took my two years to start dealing with that problem. I greatly regret waiting. The problems didn't go away. They hid from my view and built an arsenal of weapons for their future, repeated attacks.
    I've finally come to a point where I can trust myself, and now all of you with the words I type. One bridge crossed. I hold my lack of attention to this page in between my fingers, burning as a constant reminder that I've somehow managed to ignore. As long as I blow out the match I currently hold in my hand, this bridge should be alright.
    I have a few other passions I would like to keep up with. My book collection has increased. I find myself with a never growing collection of books on canine behavior and breed descriptions. My summer goal was to learn 150 breeds and I failed. I learned about 30. Yet another passion I have ignored.
    Riding has been put on hold, but I expect to be on the back of one of my majestic, four legged, beautiful loves again soon. Luckily, music hasn't gone far. Yoga has been pushed aside, along with most of my other forms of entertainment, to make room for my academics and (a lack of) sleep.
    This month is my time to work on finding my way back to the path I was so happy on. I have everything I need and I am determined to make time for what I love.

    The past year has been a bit rough on my heart. I've picked up the pieces, as I always do, and held them tight. I may have finally found someone to help me piece things back together. He just needs to believe that I'm not settling//that I truly care//that he deserves me. I'll be happily waiting here when he does.

    That writing experience definitely filled a gap. Thank you for reading this!!!! I know it can seem pointless and annoying at times. You truly are reading my brain vomit. I hope you enjoy it. :p

"I don't wanna miss you. I don't wanna get used to being by myself. I don't wanna give my heart to no one else."