Traveling tears

    And so the time has come. Tomorrow morning is my departure. Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited and I can't seem to find the appropriate answer. I am excited. I'm not excited. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm confident. I'm nervous.
    There's a lot ahead of me waiting in New Hampshire. There's also a lot behind me, here in Charlotte, impatiently awaiting my return. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the time that I'll be gone. Maybe in time.... I'll grasp the time.... or maybe the summer will fly by and I'll have no idea what happened.

    Packing always leaves me feeling confused. I am now left wondering how I got all this stuff up here from Tampa anyways. Even using space bags for my clothes, I still seem to have little to no room. I just don't understand the physics of all this. :p

    I'm musically preparing myself for time without the internet. Pre-ordered albums will have to wait my return to civilization before I can download them.

-----And now it's the day I leave------
    The pain of leaving always sinks in the morning I wake up. Having to get up and leave the bed, where my cousin was sleeping, and walk past my other two cousins was a little painful. All that fear that I knew I had but couldn't feel... I feel it now.
    I'm traveling to places I've never been before and meeting people I've never seen to drive 2 hours from Boston to Holderness (a.k.a. Center Sandwich :p). Then I move in to a cabin with 4 strangers and any guests they may have staying at the cabin currently.
    I'm excited, but I'm scared. Traveling alone always makes me cry, especially when I'm leaving everything I know behind. I'll just spend the rest of my 10 hour travel day fighting the tears.

I'm not even packed completely, yet. I should probably get going since I have to leave in an hour. :/

Grow up

    Maybe that's what made me bitter. All those times you told me to "grow up." I wasn't a child. I'm not a child. It was childish of you to hurt me in an attempt to save yourself. Then the question arises, what were you running from? I have a few theories.
    You're afraid of the truth. You're afraid to open your heart because of the nasty woman who broke it. Then again, you'd never admit that she actually broke your heart because you have too much pride. You're afraid that someone actually cares... or cared. I'm still arguing with myself on that one.
    What hurts me the most is that you were willing to crush me...to prove everyone wrong//to avoid the judgements//for your own sick entertainment. Were you bored? Did you need to break someone else in order to recover from the damage she inflicted on you?
    I hope it worked. Whatever your goal was, I hope you reached it. Even after how you treated me, I would rather see you happy than miserable. I only ever wanted to make you happy. If walking away and letting you live the life you have (even if I think it's a complete lie) is the only way......
    I have one wish. Will you watch me as I walk away?

Bob Marley on how to love a woman
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

Will you catch me?

"Fell in love with you that first night"

This is what I fear. Tampa is starting to feel like a dream, a distant memory I can't quite recall. Leaving used to be so easy for me//so normal. It was a function of living. Now it's becoming a struggle, something I can't cope with.

"You won't ask and I won't say, that in my heart...."

    I love spending my evenings discovering new music. Tonight wasn't discovering new musicians, simply new songs by previously loved bands.
     Every now and then, you forget about a band you once cherished. At some point down the line, your iTunes reminds you who they are (yay forshuffle). I love the feeling of being reminded of what my heart forgot.

As I have said before, it doesn't matter what you play. As long as you're there.

"When a name makes you smile, you know that person means something more to you than words can describe."

I have my plans. I know, without anyone saying, that there are people who support me and people who don't. Even those who support me...I feel within you, within your words, the lingering doubt. Just prepare yourself. I will prove every one of your doubts wrong.

If you're having a bum day, take a look at the following. Almost guaranteed to put a smile on your face.
Look at those short legs!!! Woof!

Cute!

Tell me when you're ready to let me in

    I woke up this morning (not that I got to sleep much) in a full size bed next to a sweaty 5 year old, with a 3 month old puppy at my feet, and another sweaty 5 year old on top of me. Not to mention the screaming baby who was angry that the bathroom door separated her from her mother. What a beautiful way to wake up.
    As much as I complain and suffer from sleep deprivation (minor exaggeration), I do love it. Life is beautiful and that's part of my life here. Those girls are extremely important to me, and if having them in my life means never sleeping comfortably, I'll take it. :)

    I say I'm happy. I wake up in the morning and I smile at what I have made for myself. I say that my life is heading exactly where I want it to. I say....
    I don't know what else to say. Maybe I'm not happy with what I have made for myself. I have worked hard to get to where I am, and I have no regrets. I'm proud of myself for working that hard and for achieving so much.
    There are other things I want out of my life, right now. I know I am young and have the rest of my life. Believe me. I have heard that argument enough times that it arises in my own arguments with myself. I don't care. If I'm not working toward what will make me happy, does it truly matter that I'm "still young?"
    I'm stubborn and my pride won't let me change a damn thing. I have had the same plan for my life since I was a child, and I don't want to admit that there may be something else calling my name. I don't want to admit that I shifted when my rock was so firmly held in place.

    I need to find what makes me feel complete.

    Let me in. We both have our past pain and the fear that history will repeat itself. Don't believe that we have no control. We can share our pain. We can work through the fear by letting each other in. I've spent a great amount of time preparing myself to let someone in//to let you in. 

    I don't think I'm a very intimidating person, in any way. If I'm wrong... please let me know.

--- I say I don't need you, but I do.---

After writing this, I listened to "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas and it reminded me of the fool I am. I need to take things a step at a time and remember all of the amazing things I have in my life. Love what I have, not what I want.

Come in with the rain

"I've got you down. I know you by heart. And you don't even know where to start."

    We took the puppy to the park today. The girls drove the John Deere power wheels. We tried to put Biscuit in the dump bed, but he decided he didn't like it and jumped ship. :p We sent him down the slide and had him running laps around the girls. He tired himself out and slept for an hour when we got back. :) It was nice to put him in his cage and not hear him yelp.
    He finished his last dose of worm medicine, so his intestine won't be filled with yucky hookworms and roundworms anymore. :) Yay!!!!

    The Humane Society of Tampa Bay had 49 adoptions today, and they were only open for 5 hours!!! I was so excited to read that. I'm so happy all those dogs have new homes and all those families have new additions. :) Can't wait to be back there!!!

I waited, as if it were planned all along. 

I created a timeline in my head, plotting the fall of events based on what I imagined we would have discussed.  I let myself fall into believing it was actually going to happen "as planned."

I expected.

"I'm right here hoping you would come in with the rain"

To a place I yet know

    As my departure from "home" gets closer and closer, a new fear grows. A fear brought on by uncertainty. I have no clue what to expect from my internship... from New Hampshire... from all that time without the things I know and love.
    Along with that fear follows excitement and joy. From all the candidates, they thought me worthy enough of this opportunity. This is an important stepping stone to my future. I am grateful for the opportunity and am excited to learn all it has to teach me.
    As much as I want to cherish and hold on to the time before me now, I want it to pass so I can live the life I have worked so hard to build. My life is here//my life is now//but tomorrow holds an excitement I have yet to experience. Tomorrow is what I work for.

    After all that, I still wish I had the opportunity to let the wind take me wherever it flows. The greatest feeling I have ever felt is leaving while knowing that everything behind me will still be ok. I can walk away and be happy with my direction and the state of what I left behind.    

What if this isn't what I want?

    When I see you again....I won't try to hide the tears in my eyes or the cracking of my voice. I'll run to you for a hug and step on your toes. Our heads will clash as we fit ourselves together, but I won't feel any pain. You'll have to remind me to let go because I won't want to. I'll forget about the fears, the expectations, and the judgments. I'll want you, regardless of the comments. As I always have and always will.

"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever"

If I ever get the nerve to say hello

    Yesterday, we went to Crowders Mountain State Park to canoe and hike. We started with canoeing. My 10 year old cousin was my canoeing buddy. Not even 10 minutes in, we tipped. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE!!! Awesome. Not only did I have to keep him calm, but I had to make sure we had all of our stuff and attempt to flip the canoe that he was climbing on top of. When he climbed on top of it, it filled with water. That was pretty cool, because the canoe then weighed a good 100 pounds. I had to drag him, the canoe, and all of our stuff back to shore so I could flip it and empty it. I was also wearing clothes, not a bathing suit, and didn't bring anything to change into.
    Later on in our adventure, I switched canoeing buddies and was in the canoe with my 16 year old cousin. In an attempt to splash everyone else, we tipped. It was possibly the worst location to tip in. There were a bunch of trees under the water stabbing and scratching us as we tried to swim back to shore.
    At the end of the canoe adventure, I walked away one sock and a pair of sunglasses short. :(

    After canoeing, we went hiking. My shoes and socks were wet and my clothes were covered in lake guck. It was still fun though. My baby cousins and I used out "fox ears" to find the creek and then we jumped in and used the rocks to travel downstream.
    It was a beautiful day much needed by my nature loving side. :)

I miss hiking//The feeling of being tired, sweaty, and beaten down... but finally reaching your destination and it's beautiful//The sounds of the woods and trickling water//Forgetting about everything outside the reach of the trees//Knowing that if you open your eyes, something beautiful is right at your feet//Being surrounded by animal life, but having to force a new kind of open upon your eyes to see it//The smells of trees and mud//Nature.

---------I forgot to mention---------
I helped save a turtle. A guy was fishing and hooked a turtle but couldn't get the hook out of his mouth (partly because he was scared of it and partly because he didn't have pliers or tools to cut the hook). We saved the turtle and set him free.

Funny note: The guy was obviously scared. When I walked up, he was trying to hold it with his foot. I asked if he wanted help and his response was "Sure. Oh, do you have pliers?" I said "No, I'm just gonna do it with my hands."
This guy was scared and I just went over and grabbed the turtle. :p

Ridiculous

This seems fitting, since I spent the entire day playing in a huge indoor children's playground. It's the little things like playing with your favorite little kids while surrounded by 100 annoying stranger kids. :p


My brother started referring to me as Aunt Brittany for his wife's son. It was a little weird, especially since I haven't spoken to my brother in about a year.

I love being happy

It's the little things that make me happy. Acting like a child works every time. :)

Unexpected Places

I find him in the most unexpected places. When I saw this, all I could think of was his story of how "you missed out. I was all sweaty and my muscles were showing." :) Something so simple, yet so powerful.

My blog is going to be a lot of this from now on. A wonderful woman shared a website with me that was filled of this little stickers. I was inspired//touched//moved by so many of them that I started an entire folder on my computer just for them.

Sometimes, it might just be the picture. Other times I might feel the need to explain, or want to share why it moved me.

All of my free time here in Charlotte is creating more time for me to analyze (or over analyze) my thought, which is causing a major decrease in the number of blogs. This needs to change.

Walk for miles

The gentle breeze and giggles from the children remind me to slow down and smile. 

"The meanest thing you ever did is come around"

I miss my dog. I've been in Charlotte for a few days now and I haven't even seen him. He's so close!!!!

My least favorite feeling in the world:
    Leaving one place, arriving at another, and feeling like you've been gone for years.
I've only been gone for a few days, but I feel like I never left Charlotte. I guess it's a little bittersweet. It's nice to come back and feel like you were never gone, but then "home" feels so.... fake. As if it's something I created in my head to dream about at night.

    The goodbye wasn't enough. Although, I'm still debating whether that's a good thing or not. The fact that the two of us played it off as "no big deal" made it easier to let go of him and turn around. Now, it leaves me feeling a little empty and unsatisfied. It's too late to change anything now. I'll just have to wait four months to see him and hope things feel like they never changed.
     It's never the same when all you have is letters/emails while you're gone.

"Never known the loving of a man but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand"

None of my goodbyes were satisfactory. I didn't even get to say bye to some people. Maybe that's where the incomplete feeling comes from......


It's beautiful outside. Instead of sitting here trying to force something that doesn't want to be shared, I think I might enjoy the breeze. Sit like a dog and try to identify the smells. You know, there really are some beautiful smells we never notice. We're always too busy.....

Just do me one favor. Take all of your pointless negative energy and put it to some good use. Think about the amazing things you could do if you turned that into positive energy.

Never a balance

I have arrived at destination number one. Charlotte, NC.

It's nice to be away from all the stress and hard work. It's hard to be away from all the laughs//smiles//beautiful people in my life. There's never a balance. When I'm away from Tampa, I get to be around the things I love here. When I'm away from here, I get to be around the things I love in Tampa. Never a balance.

Even though I've only been here for a few hours, it feels like I've been away forever.

Life, Happiness, and Sad Goodbyes

    I love each and every staff member at the shelter!!! They are truly amazing people with wonderful hearts. I can't wait to see each and every one of you again. Soon enough, we shall be reunited. :)
    They have a special place in my heart because they've all left their mark on me.

    I've been analyzing things recently. Looking at my life now, I can honestly say.... I'm happy. There are wonderful people in my life who mean the world to me. I know I can always count on them to help me through the day, if only by bringing a smile to my face.
    I'm actually doing what I want to do. I'm almost done with school (which has presented much more of a challenge than I originally planned for). I'm volunteering each and every free moment of my time.

    You all make me so happy!! I wish you could understand.

    Now to talk about some sad times. I held my goodbyes at the shelter until today. I couldn't bare to let everyone know I was leaving until I was actually walking out the door. I barely held it together then. Imagine what I would have been like if I told them earlier. I would have fallen apart right then and there.
    I have spent 126 hours of my time at the shelter in four months. To tell you the truth, I wish I could have spent more of my time there. With all I've given, I want to give more. Not only do I get to help give the animals a good life, but I get to put smiles on the faces of every person who walks into that shelter (or at least try).
    Whether I'm playing with the dogs in the runs, picking up poop, cleaning the floor, assisting with adoption visits, or training new volunteers.... I have a smile on my face.
    I belong there.

I'm cycling through happiness and emptiness. I'm happy, well, because my life is something I want it to be. I feel empty because I just left half of me behind. 

The goodbyes were so sad. A few hugs, a few attempts to hide tears, and many kind words. <3

I'll miss it like crazy. It helps a little knowing that our longest residents went home in the past week, just in time for me to leave and not have to worry about them. Things have this crazy way of working out.

I'll be back..... and it will only get better. And I'll keep in touch while I'm gone. I'm bringing balloons when I get back, because I'm going to through my own happy party with happy dance included. :)

Goodbye Sky

    Today, my little girl went home. Just to clarify... this is a dog I'm talking about. :) Sky finally got adopted. I'm not going to lie to you all and say I didn't cry. I definitely cried... in front of everyone... but they were tears of joy, so it's acceptable.
    She went to a really good couple who love her as much as I do. It's pretty much set up as if they adopted my child and it was an open adoption. They have my email so they can send me pictures and the guy is getting his master's degree from UT. I'll see her again and it'll be wonderful.
    All of the staff know how much I love this dog. The connection we have isn't something you can miss. I've worked with her since she got there (over 2 months ago!!!!) and helped her through a few behavioral issues. She helped me as much as I helped her. A few of the staff even tracked me down to make sure I did her visit. :) I was the one they made sure helped with everything. I did all of her "go home." Took her to exam, into the office, and out the front door.
    These people couldn't have been more understanding. It's sad to see her go, but I'm happy she's going home. The timing worked out well. I'm leaving at the end of the week and now I don't have to worry about her. She'll be happy.

    Jerry should have been there today to ask me why I was crying, because I actually was this time. :p

    Now marks the start of finals week. At this point, there's only one I really care to study for. Of course I'll study for all 3, but I won't want to. :p

    I'm not ready to leave. I'm just not ready. I'll be back soon.... which is something I keep repeating to make myself feel better.

"Would you walk to the edge of the ocean, just to fill my jar with sand. Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies. Put them in a lamp to light my world."

"It sure felt nice when he was holding my hand"