I knew the moment my phone rang... I knew exactly what that call meant. My heart skipped a beat. The space between those beats seemed like an eternity.
I hung up the phone and stared ahead. I was in the car and I had no better idea but to turn up the music and watch the lines on the road pass me by. I put up my walls. I forced myself to wait. I couldn't let go yet. I needed to hold on as long as I could.
I met with friends when I got back to campus. It all slowly began to feel real. Something about being with others who are feeling the same thing.... the tears are harder to fight.
I let myself feel the pain for a minute or two, but the walls weren't down for long. I put them back up and I shut down. The moment I cry again//I can't face it//I can't think about it. If I let the pain get to me, the situation is real. Everything crashes down in one loud rumble.
I can already feel my spark leaving//draining//fading. I don't have much left and I'm fighting to hold on to what remains.
Curtis McIntyre. A beautiful soul with few to compare to. You could describe me as.... unique... odd... whatever you may choose. Curtis is the first I've met who handled me (the entire me; obnoxious laugh included) all at once. I remember telling him we were going to be best friends and how I spent an entire summer saving up blue post its for him. When I saw him in August, I threw my arms up for a hug... yelling.. waiting for him to find his way across the room.
Everyone loved him. Nobody had a choice. He brought something into the world for everyone and never left a single person forgotten. He could make me smile at my worst moments and bring me down from irrational highs... all with the same gentle demeanor.
There was never a dull moment. I am still the proud owner of all the items he spent an hour sliding under my bedroom door. The umbrella we broke after I attacked him with it. :)
When he sneakily surprised us with a visit in December.... I nearly lost it. He skyped us from his phone and walked in our door. The moment his hand touched the door handle, I knew exactly what was happening. I ran into the living room and he had to yell at me to stop. His counts were still low and we had to be gentle. I hugged him and didn't let go. I held on to him for a solid 5 minutes in tears. I was so shocked. After that, I sat on the couch and stared... with nothing to say. Then we had celebratory Pita Pit. :)
This boy was something special. A person to remember. He changed my life in an immeasurable way. He never once doubted or judged a single person. You could always count on him to be there when you needed, no matter how small it may have been.
Tomorrow.... it's your day to finally lay to rest. I'm happy: You're pain and suffering is over. I'm devastated: You were young with so much before you. You would have changed the world... You will change the world, through those you left behind. My heart breaks at the thought of you. I still see you everywhere.
I love you more than words can say. You'll always be on my mind. I'll forever be inspired by your spirit. I'm going to change the world, with you right by my side.
I can't wait to see you again. Share your smile up there for a while. Spread the endless love you have shown us. Until next time......
For tomorrow, I wear blue. For you, and only you.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
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