I want to come home tired and aching because I worked so hard to earn what I have. I want to sweat and get stressed out. I want to challenge my mind to do things I've never done before. I want to save lives of both people and animals. I'm working toward that. I am currently employed at an emergency clinic and it has been a beautiful, stressful, terrifying endeavor. I have helped save some lives and I have watched others slip right between our fingers. Yet...
I have never been so confused as I am now. There are so many things I have had and still so many more that I want, yet I feel stuck. In a strained effort to express a feeling I have but can't define, I will run through the events of my day.
My sweet, cuddly foster dog left today. I drove a ridiculous distance with zero gas to a vet's office neatly tucked between a super market and a unappealing restaurant; so neatly tucked that I drove past it three times before finding it. Mindy and Roscoe sat excitedly in the car wondering what adventure we had arrived for. The moment came that I had to hand Mindy over to a stranger to transport her to her rescue organization. I can't begin to describe the heartbreak that overwhelmed me at this moment. I wasn't largely attached to Mindy, but that isn't saying much because I am attached to all animals from first sight. This individual didn't have an appropriately sized crate for Mindy so I had to shove her backwards into one designed for a dog half her size. I said my goodbyes and got into my car. I could see Mindy's crate from my driver's seat; she wasn't exactly pleased with the situation. She was moving so much (in what I can only deem an attempt to get out of that crate and back to us) that the crate was shifting around the back seat of this woman's car. It truly broke my heart to know she was scared, alone, and confused. From this point on, I can only hope she is alright and comfort my sweet Roscoe who is equally confused. I'm not sure if Mindy knew love before us but I sure hope that wasn't the last time she was treated like a precious gift. She is such a sweet pup and she deserves the best.
A lot of people are unwilling to foster because they can't let the go of the attachment they made with a pet. I foster because I can't let go of an innocent life. Giving them up is never easy, but I find comfort in the fact that I am sending her to a rescue who will guarantee she has a good life. Best of luck to you, my love.
I arrived home with a feeling of emptiness. It's weird and confusing to not have her here. Roscoe doesn't understand and he misses his playmate; his sister.
As if I wasn't depressed enough today, I turned my attention to my budget. My budget is atrocious. The past few months have been rough for me and my financial standing has taken quite a hit. I'm not ashamed of it in any way, but I am scared that I won't be able to catch up as soon as I need to. So, there's that.
I spent some time optimistically planning for my future and chasing dreams in an effort to counteract the upsetting morning I had. My dream job is to be a veterinary technician in a zoo, working with large cats and hoof stock. I spent an hour or so enthusiastically applying for jobs in this state as well as others, smiling because I know I'm at least making an effort to achieve my dreams. All that positive energy and enthusiasm didn't last too long however. I started being realistic, or pessimistic depending on your view point.
There is no realistic way for me to let go of what I have now and transfer my life to another location. I have no money, no resources, and nothing to fall back on. Even if I got one of those positions, how would I be able to follow through on it?
It's been a challenge to live my life in such a way that cause me to feel... alone. Before I make the following statement, here this. I have wonderful friends who care for me in a way I can never seem to justify in my own mind. They have been there for me in the past and I know I can call them anytime for a pair of ears. However, I don't have many people I can rely on to pick me up from the deep hole I am bound to find myself in. If I fail... that's on me. If I lose everything... I have nothing. It's hard you see, to do this alone; to fight battles chasing me from my past as well as those waiting around the corner ahead of me.
I've never felt so alone.
To add to it all, I'm extremely bitter about my past. Things were taken from me and opportunities ripped out of my hands right when I was blinded by hope for a better future. This isn't getting any better....
So, here we are. I'm stuck... scared... tired...alone...
An old friend contacted me around midnight last night. He had this to say: "Brittany, you were and still are important to me. I'm sorry I made you feel otherwise. You are one of the most beautiful people that I have ever known."
I told him that to this day, I can't see in myself what others do. Does that mean I'm not what they think I am?
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